A New Level of Lazy

23 06 2012

I often joke that I’m inherently lazy. This isn’t actually true. Like many people, I do like to take shortcuts. And yes, I’ll sit on the couch wanting a glass of water for at least20 minutes until my husband stands up and I can say, “Hey, while you’re up…”

I know.So pathetic.

Still, I have my limits, and today they were pushed so far that I had to take a picture and illustrate it for you. See how ambitious and not at all lazy I am?

Image

Seriously, sir? It was too much work to return your cart? May your automobile be violated by a thousand unreturned carts.

*Grocery shopping after a 10-hour shift makes me a little bit stabby.

**Really, though. That’s ridiculous.

***Yesterday was my birthday and I had to cancel my birthday date with Car (Cajun food! Avengers!) because I felt like I was going to puke but then I didn’t puke which was almost even more sad, if that’s possible.

****Redeeming factor: My parents got me a Kindle Fire for my birthday, which is 20 shades of awesome. Not 50 shades, because that would be creepy.

*****Not that I’ve read that series. Pervs.

******Seriously, I haven’t read it. I can tell you don’t believe me, but I really haven’t (I heard the writing really sucks).

*******Not that I’d read it if the writing didn’t suck. OBVIOUSLY. I’m going to stop talking about it now.

********If you don’t know which books I’m talking about you’re probably really confused, aren’t you? Ha! Sucker!





The Best Phone Survey Ever

17 05 2012

I know, it sounds impossible. How can a great phone survey exist? And how did I stay on the phone long enough to find out?

I have no good answer to either question, but I believe the following were contributing factors:

  1. I have a freakish sense of humor and am far too easily amused.
  2. Their phone system lacked the usual long pause that warns me I must immediately hang up.
  3. I was trying to get rid of her and told her the youngest male in the home over 18 was unavailable.
  4. I was thus unprepared when she asked for the youngest female in the home over 18. (Me: “Crap! If I use the same excuse twice, she’ll know I’m lying!“)
  5. I was too tired to come up with another excuse.
  6. I am—as a general rule—too polite to simply hang up on someone once I’ve made verbal contact. I make the rare exception when I’ve firmly told someone to go away and he or she just keeps talking.

Anyway.

The woman started by asking a question about Walmart, and then one about Target. Once we established that I’m a Target fangirl and think Walmart can suck it, she moved into the bulk of the survey.

Oh, Walmart. Just give up, already. Phone surveys to find out what people think of you? Just Google it.

Now, I was very honest. From the get-go I told her that I couldn’t possibly be impartial because I used to work for Walmart. She didn’t care, because that wasn’t in her script. Fair enough. Then she asked me all sorts of questions about whether I thought Walmart was a) better than chocolate or b) a minion of Satan.

I was thoroughly bored and about to ask just how much longer she was planning to test my patience, BUT THEN. It went a little something like this:

Survey monkey: “There have been some stories about Walmart’s operations in Mexico in the news lately…blah blah blah…corporate officers bribing Mexican officials….blah blah…have you heard any of these?”

Me: (because I apparently live in a cave) “Nope.”

Survey monkey: “From what I’ve told you about this story, does it make your opinion of Walmart more or less favorable?”

Me: “Wait, what? Does bribing Mexican officials make me like Walmart more or less? That’s, like, the best question ever.

Survey monkey: “So…more or less favorable?”

Me: *giggling* “Yeah, I’m going to have to go with less favorable.”

Survey monkey: “Would you say it’s a little less favorable ormuch less favorable?”

Me: *snorting with laughter* Much less favorable.”

Survey monkey: “Now I have some questions simply for demographic purposes…”

That was two hours ago and I’m still giggling. Thank you, dear survey monkey, for doing your thankless job tonight. You made my day.

*I think next week I might blog every day to try to get back in the habit. Remind me about that, won’t you? I’ll probably forget in the next three days.

**I now understand why people don’t sign their kids up for lots of sports. Soccer was entertaining enough, but watching kindergarteners play T-ball? I’m not saying it’s on par with watching paint dry, but it’s no trip to Disneyland.

***Speaking of watching paint dry, still no diagnosis for Big G…





So Many Syllables

1 02 2012

Today’s blog (as well as the constant desire to up the dose of my ADD meds) is inspired by Big G’s homework folder.

Let’s say I randomly walk up to you in the middle of a crowded room and ask, “Can you tell me three words that have more than two syllables?”

You could do it. I have great faith in you.

What would those three words be?

Seriously?





File under O for Obvious

1 01 2012

For those who have always wondered, "What is this 'ice' and why is it here?"





Curse You, Perry the Platypus!

10 08 2011

‘Round these parts we love Phineas and Ferb. If you don’t know who Phineas and Ferb are, you either don’t have contact with young children or you have no exposure to the Disney Channel. (Being cable-free, our access comes from Netflix. This is a beautiful thing, as I don’t have to endure random scrolling ads for their other horrifying programs.)

This is Perry the Platypus, aka Agent P.

Words cannot express my great love for Perry the Platypus. He’s easily the best part of Phineas and Ferb. Don’t bother arguing with me, people. Y’all know how that ends.

So we’ve been watching a little too much Phineas and Ferb these days, but it’s a welcome change from Dora and Diego (or, in the case of Big G, documentaries about volcanoes and space). The kids enjoy it, I enjoy it—heck, even Car enjoys it, and he’s not much of a TV person.

Anyway, today was a pretty average day. High points, low points, y’all have read about how things go. The boys have started wrestling a lot with each other (or is it “wrassling” when little kids do it?) and that usually ends in tears, at which point I get to give the “that’s what happens when you play rough” speech. Good times.

Evening rolled around and we gathered the troops for dinner, at which point Big G came running into the kitchen and promptly popped Little G straight in the nose with his fist.

What. The. Hell.

You know a kid is perfectly aware of what he’s done wrong when you find him hiding under a desk. But you know, Little G was more stunned than hurt (go figure) and what I wanted to know more than anything else was what Big G could possibly have been thinking. It’s what every parent wants to know…well, about pretty much everything our kids do. Frankly, I didn’t expect a good answer, so what he said really surprised me.

“I just wanted to see how Perry does it.”

Oh, crap.

We had a conversation about cartoons vs. reality and TV vs. real life. He apologized to Little G and I learned a valuable lesson: kids are dumb.

Ha! I kid. Seriously, though, it never crossed my mind that my child would try to imitate a cartoon secret agent platypus. Even typing that makes me giggle uncontrollably. I suppose I could write a few paragraphs on the importance of what kids watch on TV, but you’re smart people. I think you get that.

Are we going to stop watching Phineas and Ferb? Nah. It’s too hilarious. Will I continue to remind him that TV and real life are separate entities? You bet your sweet bippy I will.

*Big G says that since he can’t practice punching his little brother, we should create some sort of 3D model of Dr. Doofenshmirtz (Perry’s nemesis) that he can practice punching.

**I suggested one of those inflatable things that kids punch that bounce back up. You know, the ones with the rounded bottom? He wouldn’t go for it. Apparently those have a little too much fight in them.

 





Wordless Wednesday – Every 6-Year-Old’s Got One

20 07 2011

See it?





I Will Cut You for a Parking Space

18 06 2011

We went to the zoo. The weather was perfect, which is probably why parking was…well, a zoo. Ahem. Sorry. I’m too tired to tell you how it all went down, but I made you a nifty diagram. An explanation will follow (probably tomorrow), though you probably don’t need it.

Bonus points if you can guess which car I was in! (Seriously, though, if you can’t guess based on the explanations, you’re dead to me.)

*Hint: Sometimes you’re just too late for a parking space and yes, that sucks for you, but it’s my parking space now.

**Do not mess with me in a parking lot.

***I was in rehab. I know people.