Jeepers Creepers

8 06 2012

Actual text conversation yesterday:

Me: Little G informs me he’s going to use his new binoculars to “spy on baby Ian’s mom.” Little Creeper!

Me: If it makes you feel any better, it’s so he can find out what you’re getting Ian for his birthday.

Me: That child is getting cut off from Curious George.

Rachel: Hahahahaha! Holy crap, that’s hilarious.

Rachel: Aren’t you proud of your little peeping tom?

Me: Very.

Me: FYI, You’re getting baby Ian a very big big big box. Inside that box? A blue go-cart.

Rachel: Good to know!

Me: You really ought to get him something more age-appropriate. What is WRONG with you?

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We visited my brother in St. George and just got back yesterday. This morning Little G said, “I miss my uncle.”

Awwww.

“I miss your uncle too, but he’ll be visiting soon.”

“No, my other uncle.”

“Which uncle, buddy?” Car has six brothers, so saying his “other uncle” wasn’t necessarily unreasonable.

“My uncle in the mountains.”

I stopped and thought about every one of Little G’s uncles. “You don’t have an uncle who lives in the mountains.”

He looked at me as if my IQ had suddenly dropped 80 points. “Yes I do. My uncle in the mountains. I go and visit him. He lives in a cave in the mountains.”

Dude.

“Little G, you don’t have an uncle who lives in a cave. If you’ve been visiting someone in a cave in the mountains something is very wrong.”

This, of course, prompted a five-minute dialogue on his visits to his uncle in the cave in the mountains, including all the animals he’d seen. (Fun fact: there are apparently flamingos in the cave in the mountains!)

Oh, Little G. You adorably creepy boy. Never, ever change.





Pop Quiz, Hot Shot

17 08 2011

We have a nice set of picture cards that we can use to play Memory with the kids. (They also came with Bingo cards, but just try to keep a 5-year-old and 3-year-old focused on a game of Bingo until the bitter end. Go ahead. I dare you.)

These cards are large and have pretty drawings. I like them…with one horrifyingly painful exception. I try to ignore it, but every time I clean up the cards, this one card taunts me. I’m actually contemplating removing the pair from the deck because I can’t cope with it.

Yeah, I have issues. Still, take a gander and tell me what you think.

Name that flower:

Pretty flower! It’s pink and white, and so very lovely! What could possibly be wrong with such a flower?

Only one thing, really, but it’s oh-so-important:

No. Just…no. I even covered up the word on the card and asked Car what flower it was. His reply: “Um, tulip?”

It’s like they do these things just to mess with me.

As I continued my rant, Car interrupted with, “Well, roses are red…”

“But it’s not even red! It’s pink!”

That’s when I realized the time had come to write the best “Roses are Red” poem known to man.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Admit that’s a tulip
Or I will cut you.

*Update: It’s the next morning and I’m fixing a grammatical error. Who let me write a threatening “Roses are red” poem late at night?

**Went a little crazy with the ellipses, didn’t I?

***I just realized my children are frighteningly quiet. No more asterisks. Time to investigate.





Strix ne credite

2 11 2010

Sometimes I write posts that make me all giggly and remind me why I blog. This? Is one of those posts.

Several months ago I was loitering at my parents’ house, browsing through the Sunday paper. (I’m too cheap to get the paper myself.) (Shut up.) I especially like to look through the coupons, because:

  1. I’m cheap (see previous parenthetical comment).
  2. There are some hilarious ads mixed in with the coupons.

Case in point:

You cannot tell me you wouldn’t wet yourself if this demonic, glowing-eyed abomination hooted at you when you approached a friend’s house.

There are so many things about this ad that I love. Up near the top of the list? “Can be used outdoor or even indoors as a fun decoration!” Fun indoor decoration? Or is it, perhaps, an integral part of your ritual summoning of the Strigoi?

No summoning rituals in your home this week? Well, that’s okay. You can use it to “Welcome Your Guests” …from Hell!

Also fantastic? It’s a “very attractive and realistic design.” I never want to see the owl upon which this monstrosity was modeled—especially in a dark wooded area, far from civilization. That’s just a horror movie in the making.

But let’s be honest. The very best part? You can “Buy several and save!”

Fair warning: the next time you come to my house? It will be guarded by a parliament of mephistophelean “life-like” owls powered by AA batteries.

**The WordPress Proofreader doesn’t know what Strigoi are. You will learn, WordPress Proofreader. Just you wait.





The Best Medicine

12 10 2010

To wrap up my Albuquerque travelogue, I’ll share a few of the things that made me giggle during our trip.

One night Andrew, my 7-year-old nephew, asked Big G if he wanted to hear a joke:

Andrew: Do iguanas have tummies or wallets?
Big G: Tummies?
Andrew: No! They have TUMMYWALLETS!

And they both fell over laughing.

On our way to the mass ascension Saturday morning, we passed this truck:

 

Just go ahead and make your own redneck joke. It'll save us some time.

 

Friday afternoon I asked Big G to go use the potty (since he sometimes forgets when life is uber-exciting). Suddenly I heard two voices in the bathroom and realized Andrew was in the bathroom with Big G. I went in there to make sure messes weren’t being made.

I told my brother what I’d been doing, and said, “I had to make sure they weren’t peeing in the toilet at the same time. We all know  homosexuality starts with peeing together.”

His answer:

“Well, Ghostbusters taught us what happens when you cross streams.”

No, you can’t have him. He already has a sister, thank you very much.





Think it Through

30 09 2010

It’s not just me, right?

We can never let the men know about this.





Slow Day at the County Jail

25 09 2010

My tax dollars at work:

Did you catch it? Let’s see some details:

I love a cop with a sense of humor.





Wordless Wednesday – Screwed

30 06 2010