Wordless Wednesday – I’ve Always Wanted to Meet Someone Famous

13 07 2011


They have phones there?

12 08 2010

Apparently I need to start a new blog dedicated to bizarre billboards, since I spend a lot of time obsessing about them. Today’s gem is located on southbound I-15, between the Orem University Parkway and Provo Center Street exits. There’s no convenient way to photograph this billboard (especially with the continual nightmare that is construction), so I managed to track down this lovely photo:

Heaven or Hell Billboard

Photo from groopie's photostream on flickr.

Poor Satan. He doesn’t even get phone service. No wonder he’s pissed. How can he run the underworld if he can’t text his minions?

How many people do you think prank call that number on a daily basis? “Hey, Heaven? I’d like to order a large pepperoni pizza…” Yeah, I know, it’s probably a recorded message. Thanks for harshing my mellow.

*Alternate obvious joke: “Um…I thought I was going to Spanish Fork…” BWAHAHAHA! I so funny!

**I do find it refreshing that they’ve chosen a scripture other than John 3:16. Way to branch out!

I Won’t Be Your Neighbor

20 07 2010

I pay far too much attention to billboards. You probably noticed this back when I talked about the Sizzler billboard. (It remains one of my favorite posts so if you haven’t yet read it, you now have a homework assignment.)

In the last few years I’ve seen a lot of billboards from the Foundation for a Better Life. This is a great non-profit organization that, according to their website, “creates public service campaigns to communicate the values that make a difference in our communities – values such as honesty, caring, optimism, hard work, and helping others.” I’m sure you’ve seen their billboards as well.

They have a somewhat new billboard up. I’m almost afraid to talk about it, because I don’t want to receive hate mail from people who think I’m belittling a national icon. I’m just going to put it out there right now–I’m not mocking him. I’m not even really mocking the ad. I’m mostly mocking myself, and the fact that the average person looking at this billboard doesn’t have the same thoughts that run through my head.

Here’s the billboard (from the Foundation for a Better Life website):

Nice billboard, right? It has a good message and features a well-loved public figure. (Unless you’re my friend Janice, who claims she doesn’t like Mr. Rogers. I think she might be a communist.)

Now I’m going to walk you through my thought process when I see this billboard. “Oh, look. Mr. Rogers. How nice. Won’t you be my neighbor? Friendship! Hey, wait a minute. Mr. Rogers is dead. How can I be his neighbor if he’s dead? Is Mr. Rogers saying he wants me dead, too? What the crap, Mr. Rogers? What did I ever do to you? Okay, now he looks kind of creepy. Like he’s trying to steal my soul. YOU CAN’T HAVE MY SOUL, MR. ROGERS! I WILL NOT BE YOUR NEIGHBOR MINION! Oh, hey–Wendy’s billboard. I’m kind of hungry. Maybe I should get a burger.”

That, my friends, is what goes on in my fully-medicated brain. Explains a lot, doesn’t it?

How Do You Sizzler?

19 04 2010

Before I get started, I just have to say how much I love you guys. You have no idea what your comments mean to me. (If I actually replied to comments, you might have an idea, but this is a lot easier.) I’m happy to report that today is a much better day. I also have an appointment with my therapist next week. Hurrah!

There’s a billboard I’ve seen several times that annoys me on many levels. Take a gander:

There are so many problems here I barely know where to start. No, that’s not true–let’s start with Sizzler is not a verb. Sizzler will never be a verb. When I see Sizzler used as a verb, I feel like I’m looking at the Engrish website.

Also? This guy used to Sizzler with his dad? If Sizzler were a verb, I don’t think it would be something you’d want to do with your dad.

Then there’s the superfluous ellipsis. Oh, superfluous ellipsis, how I love thee. You make every sentence wonderful! Whenever I use you, I feel like a teenage girl again. A teenage girl with a cell phone and a twitter account. (OMG…@JustinBieber…ur so hott…cu l8r!)

Seriously. What purpose does this ellipse serve? Is it building suspense? He Sizzlered* with his dad and now his…therapist’s kids are attending Ivy League schools?

I have a better idea:

Don't try to steal this. I will totally Sizzler you.

Yes, I did spend an hour learning Gimp just so I could doctor that photo for you. I wanted to add in a mutant baby peeking over the guy’s shoulder, but it’s 2 a.m. and I need my beauty sleep. FYI, do yourself a favor and never do a Google image search for mutant baby.

*The only thing better than a fake verb? A fake verb in the past tense!
**The only thing better than the past tense of a fake verb? The WordPress editor’s suggestions for an alternative. It’s like reading the lyrics to a Snoop Dogg song!

Strange Billboard of the Day

4 11 2009

Yesterday I was driving south on I-15 and came across the following billboard: “Because it takes humans to raise chickens humanely.”

Because, you know, hens go all Mommie Dearest as soon as their eggs hatch. Yeah.

And don’t even get me started on the punctuation on the Utah Dairy billboards. “our Product. my Passion.” Seriously? Unless you’re ee cummings, you don’t get to mess with orthography. Yes, that is my $5 word of the day. Thanks for asking.