Forgetting

3 09 2013

It seems that all I do these days is forget.

It’s the ECT, of course. Electroconvulsive Therapy. I imagine I’ll remember everything, but I immediately forget every detail of my day. Oh, I’m spending the night at my parent’s house tonight? I had no clue. I guess I’d better pack my bag before my dad comes to pick me up.

It’s ridiculous. Unacceptable, really—except for the fact that I’m not so sad now.

I don’t know which is worse; forgetting everything, or being sad.

It’s being sad, right? I’m pretty sure it is.

My eldest child is turning eight on Thursday. I’ve forgotten to buy him a present.

But.

His mom is—if not overjoyed with her existence—less sad.

Have I just forgotten to be sad? Is that what this is? I just can’t tell.

I hate this.

Here’s what I know: My name is Jenny. A doctor gives me seizures to help reset my brain. I’m happier than I was a month ago.

It’s a good thing.

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10 responses

4 09 2013
tekettle

Jenny, I am so sorry that you are having trouble remembering things. It is so frustrating. My Grandma had Alzheimer’s, Larmer had it, and I am pretty sure that my Mom has it. Watching them struggle with the memory loss was heartbreaking for all of us. Is this something that will correct itself when these treatments end? I keep you in my prayers. I am glad that you are not as sad and that what you are having to go through is helping with that. And you just need to remember that Heavenly Father loves you, your husband and kids love you, and we love you. Not a lot of consolation now but you will have those memories when you cross over that Rainbow Bridge. Thank you for being willing to share your thoughts and feelings on this journey you are taking. Proud of you girl.

4 09 2013
Randy Tayler

Happier is awesome. Sorry to hear about the memory loss. (You mentioned memory loss in this blog post, in case you forgot. HA HA HA HA HA HA hatemyself HA HA)

I take Ambien every night to fight bad insomnia, and I get nifty memory loss. It was worse at first, but now – at least as far as I can recall – my memory seems to have adapted. Hope yours does to. Your memory, I’m saying. You mentioned you were losing it before. (HA HA HA HA HA HA stillhatemyself HA HA HA)

4 09 2013
dailysalvation

Jenny, thank you so much for giving such eloquent voice to your journey with depression. Forgetfulness sucks massively; I hope that improves but leaves you with sadness at a further distance. Keep sharing; you are offering so much healing by telling the truth!!

4 09 2013
malrich2

no forgetting is bad and forever look into TMS same result and much much safer

3 09 2013
Julie

If you can remember one thing, remember all of us who love you.

3 09 2013
zstitches

Well, at least you have a medical excuse.

I am kidding–actually I have a better memory these days than when I was hyperthyroid/hyperthyroid/iron-deficient, etc. But on the whole I’ve never had a great memory, and am really counting on the restoration of all my lost memories in the resurrection.

Will your memory get better eventually? Or do you just have to wait and see?

3 09 2013
J

Zina, hopefully it’ll get better. But I think I just have to wait and see. Yay.

3 09 2013
Denise

We do what we have to do to feel better, even with the side effects, right? I smiled when I read you were less sad, take the positives where you can my friend. Continued love.

3 09 2013
Mike

Celebrate the fact that you are not so sad. I am delighted for you and your loved ones. Keep it up Jenny

3 09 2013
Wendy Sparrow

*hugs* My OCD meds do something similar. They break up the obsessive thoughts…but also my short-term and long-term memory. I live in the day…this day…this present. I’m better, but it takes something from an experience when you know you won’t remember it. I’m sorry. Sometimes we do things to be better people and there’s a sacrifice. I’m a better person on medication–and that truth burns, but it is true.

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