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11 08 2013

I’ve cried 3 times since I’ve been home, but I’ve mostly hidden it because it doesn’t seem like something I’m supposed to do on the day I’m released from the psychiatric hospital.

That’s probably not what you were hoping to read. It’s certainly not what I was hoping to write.

I know they expect some regression when they release us back into the wild, but I was kind of hoping I might be some sort of rare creature who simply learns from the experience and moves forward.

What? A girl can dream.

I feel oddly discontent. I can’t put my finger on it, but I just feel…off. Like I want to walk around the block or go for a drive or maybe just curl up in a ball and cry. I just don’t know what.

When I got home I took a nap, but not a long one, because they tell me the bed is not my friend. I’m trying to remember that. So when I was sad and I started to cry, I did breathing exercises to regain  my emotional control and I didn’t throw myself into a sobbing heap on the bed.

This is progress, yes?

The Gs were playing Minecraft today (the gist of their conversation: “Don’t put the chicken in the waterfall! You’re going to drown the chicken! Look at all those chickens!) and Little G said to Big G, “Go to water if you’re on fire.” It reminded me of a quote one of the psych techs wrote on the board at UNI: “When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the fire department usually uses water.”

So. Deep breathing. I will not heap sadness upon sadness. I will remember that I have hope.

And I will listen to the Dove chocolate wrapper, which commanded me to sleep late tomorrow. I took a picture of it so I could prove I’m not just making that up (and also just because I can do that now that I’m out of the hospital), but my phone is being a jerk, so no chocolate wrapper picture for you.

Now you’re going to cry, aren’t you? Don’t worry. I can teach you some breathing exercises.

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5 responses

12 08 2013
Jill Freestone

I’ve typed 5 different things, but it all sounds silly or trivial, but I’m glad you are still writing, still being brave and open – you’re going to make it and going to help a whole lot of people who are scared and alone. That makes you a hero.

12 08 2013
Denise

Catching up, glad you are home. Hoping the discontented feeling has dissipated some. Breathing can’t hurt, right? I always forget to breath when stressed or whatever and then I hyperfocus on it and end up hyperventilating.

Continued love to you.

12 08 2013
Annette Lyon (@AnnetteLyon)

Had to catch up on your posts after I got home from a trip. So much going through my head. The short list: Glad you’re home. You can do this. ECT sounds like a great idea. And yes, it has been long enough.

11 08 2013
Toni Ellsworth

Glad you made it home!. If you need to talk you call me 24/7!!! Still in my prayers!

11 08 2013
Amelia

I could use some deep breathing exercises. Sending light and love.

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