I Am Okay

9 08 2013


10:30 pm

3 Things I’m grateful for:

  1. A loving and supportive husband
  2. Good friends who cheer me on
  3. My fellow patients—kind and insightful people who have become terribly important to me.

3 Things I did well today:

  1. I walked away from conflict when a fellow patient tried to start an argument about religion.
  2. I wrote well.
  3. I kicked ass at Octopus 8.


4:45 am

Fire alarm. Seriously? I roll out of bed and grab a bra. I also decide to use the bathroom. Hey, a girl needs priorities.

4:55 am

False alarm. What a surprise. Waking up mid-sleep cycle has left me with a pounding headache, so when the alarm goes off a second time, I’m more than a little stabby. I’m also pondering what a nightmare it would be if they actually had to herd us all out into the parking lot.

I haven’t told you a lot about how things work here, so let me explain a bit. A large number of adults are here, I believe, voluntarily. We recognize we have problems and we want to get better. However, that’s not the case for everyone. We live in locked wards, and for excursions off the unit (in my case, only for meals and FABs), we’re herded down to the second floor by a faithful psych tech keeper.

There are escape attempts. Not from my unit, at least not while I’ve been here. The mood disorders folk aren’t particularly inclined to make a break for it, as best I can tell. There have, however, been at least five escape attempts, or “Code Whites,” from other units during my stay.

When this happens, off go the psych techs in pursuit of the hapless escapee. As far as I’ve heard, they haven’t lost anyone yet.

Speaking of the psych techs, I’m going to go all fangirl on you for a minute here. The psych techs here are, for the most part, amazing. I have my favorites, but I won’t name names. They teach several of our groups. They take care of our day-to-day needs. They listen to a constant barrage of sadness and anger and just about every other emotion you can imagine, and they do it with an exceptional level of compassion. I can’t imagine they’re paid well enough to be emotionally vomited upon on a daily basis, but they just keep coming back.

Like I said. Fangirl. I just can’t help myself.

The ibuprofen is finally kicking in. Time to try for two more hours of sleep.


7:00 pm

One of the psych techs tonight asked why we journal. It’s a really good question, and one for which I don’t have a particularly good answer. I don’t journal to remember things—if that were the case, I’d be writing down a record of the events that happened. But I don’t write events. I spew forth my thoughts and feelings, and then at the end of the day I go ahead and share it with the rest of you.

I’m still trying to figure out my motivation.

9:40 pm

I’m going home tomorrow. Holy crap, I’m going home tomorrow. I’m excited. I’m ready. But I’m also nervous as hell. I feel safe here. I know what to expect here. I know I’m okay here.

Life is so unexpected in the outside world.

But that’s okay. I am okay. Everything will be okay.

We played Yahtzee tonight, and it felt like a group of friends getting together for a casual game night. I find myself oddly hesitant to leave.

But that’s okay. I am okay. Everything will be okay.




10 responses

10 08 2013

You rock. What an amazing and wonderful woman you are.

10 08 2013

Let me know if I can help with the boys at all next week. I’m here.

10 08 2013
Heather Johnson

You can do this! And anything else that comes your way. Much love and power being sent your way.

10 08 2013

Keep the positive thoughts. You are strong and capable and loved. A great combination.

10 08 2013

You’ve got this!

10 08 2013

Love you Jenny! You can do hard things, I know it! You are ok and fabulous!

9 08 2013

Sending love and strength!!

9 08 2013

You are an amazing girl, Jenny! I’ll play yahtzee with you 🙂

9 08 2013

Love you Jen!

9 08 2013
Tudie Rose

I wish you the very best!

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