Hopeless

6 08 2013

8/5/13

10:30 pm

Three things I’m grateful for:

  1. My roommate, who helps me stay centered.
  2. My family, who give me a reason to stay alive, even on my darkest days.
  3. Cafeteria privileges, so I can have an omelet for breakfast every morning while I’m here.

Three things I did well today:

  1. I listened to other people.
  2. I expressed gratitude to others.
  3. I owned Riki Tiki Bear.

8/6/13

7:50 pm

My insurance has decreed that tomorrow will be my last full day here.

I’m overwhelmed by this news.

I don’t think there’s any way I can describe just how thoroughly my world has been rocked.

For the first time I feel a glimmer of hope that I might be able to find my way back. There is—to fall back on the old cliche—light (albeit faint) at the end of the tunnel, and they are taking that away from me. Someone who has never met me—never even talked to me—is taking that away from me.

I feel hopeless.

I watch the sun set over the Salt Lake Valley. I listen to the constant murmur of the voices of the other patients. I sip the chamomile tea intended to soothe my shattered composure.

I feel so utterly hopeless.

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4 responses

7 08 2013
Erin Ann McBride (@erinannie)

Do you want to stay? Can we send you money to help pay the bills?

7 08 2013
J

Erin, that’s so sweet, but it’s $1800 a day, and there’s just no way. But thank you for the offer. 🙂

6 08 2013
Lector Peregrinus

All I can offer are a few choice expletives in the right direction. Stories like yours are becoming so incredibly common in this country. To you I say don’t give up – there are many of us who want to see you better. And we hope and hope and hope with all our hearts every day that you will be, and more than that hope that if you need us we will know and we will be there for you.

6 08 2013
meredith

Oh, love, I’m sorry. I’m going to go ahead and speak on behalf of all us in this world who love you: We will conquer this. You can and will be fueled by the hopes of all of us. We will expend our love and energy and maybe mafia connections such that you will find peace, love and understanding. And some other Elvis Costello.

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