Not literally, of course. That would be ridiculous, and more than a little bit frightening. But I’m squished into pants—scrubs, no less—a size too small, and I feel rather sausage-like.
So goes my first night in the University Neuropsychiatric Institute.
Fortunately, they let me keep my own shirt, because the scrubs top had snaps, and putting me in a shirt a size too small that snaps in the front? Yeah. Not so much.
I’m scared. I’m sad. I’m putting on a good face, but I don’t know what I’m doing. Here, or—let’s be honest—anywhere.
Everyone here has been very kind, because that’s what you do when someone suicidal comes to the psych ward. You welcome them, you show them around. You try to help them feel less scared.
It’s nice of them to try.
I’m still scared.
I don’t know the rules here. I don’t like not knowing the rules. It puts me at a disadvantage, which makes my inner control freak die a little inside. I need to know everything. I need to know how things work and where I fit. How can I control anything if I don’t know these things?
I’d say it’s driving me crazy, but…yeah. Already there.
Speaking of crazy, they took my watch and I don’t know what time it is. How am I supposed to function if I don’t know what time it is?
GAH. My control. Where is my control? I need it back.
I’m so very scared.
I’m not entirely sure the last time I woke up at 6 am without an alarm going off at least 3 times first. Of course, I’m also not sure the last time I had a night of sleep quite as bad as last night’s.
Wait—yes I am. I’m pretty sure it was when I was in labor with Big G. The night of sleep, that is. Actually, possibly the 6 am thing as well.
My room faces east, so I might watch the sun rise. What an odd thought. I suppose I could make some sort of “renewal” analogy here or some other such crap, but that’s not really how I roll.
At least not right now.
I’m kind of enjoying the peace and quiet before everyone wakes up, though I hate not knowing what the day will bring.
I’m still scared.
*Edit: My room does not, in fact, face east. Apparently my sense of direction is as flawed as my psyche at the moment.