I Am A Sausage

1 08 2013

7/31/13

Not literally, of course. That would be ridiculous, and more than a little bit frightening. But I’m squished into pants—scrubs, no less—a size too small, and I feel rather sausage-like.

So goes my first night in the University Neuropsychiatric Institute.

Fortunately, they let me keep my own shirt, because the scrubs top had snaps, and putting me in a shirt a size too small that snaps in the front? Yeah. Not so much.

I’m scared. I’m sad. I’m putting on a good face, but I don’t know what I’m doing. Here, or—let’s be honest—anywhere.

Everyone here has been very kind, because that’s what you do when someone suicidal comes to the psych ward. You welcome them, you show them around. You try to help them feel less scared.

It’s nice of them to try.

I’m still scared.

I don’t know the rules here. I don’t like not knowing the rules. It puts me at a disadvantage, which makes my inner control freak die a little inside. I need to know everything. I need to know how things work and where I fit. How can I control anything if I don’t know these things?

I’d say it’s driving me crazy, but…yeah. Already there.

Speaking of crazy, they took my watch and I don’t know what time it is. How am I supposed to function if I don’t know what time it is?

GAH. My control. Where is my control? I need it back.

I’m so very scared.

8/1/13

I’m not entirely sure the last time I woke up at 6 am without an alarm going off at least 3 times first. Of course, I’m also not sure the last time I had a night of sleep quite as bad as last night’s.

Wait—yes I am. I’m pretty sure it was when I was in labor with Big G. The night of sleep, that is. Actually, possibly the 6 am thing as well.

My room faces east, so I might watch the sun rise. What an odd thought. I suppose I could make some sort of “renewal” analogy here or some other such crap, but that’s not really how I roll.

At least not right now.

I’m kind of enjoying the peace and quiet before everyone wakes up, though I hate not knowing what the day will bring.

I’m still scared.

*Edit: My room does not, in fact, face east. Apparently my sense of direction is as flawed as my psyche at the moment.

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14 responses

2 08 2013
Denise

Thank you Jen for sharing your fear, your struggle. Please know you are not alone. I am so proud of you for asking for help, it’s sooooo much harder than anyone ever thinks it is. If I lived closer, I’d love to visit (both now and in the future). Much love to you sweetie.

2 08 2013
michelka

Jenny, I don’t know if you remember me. I’m Michelle (Caswell) Forstrom. We were in choir at Orem High together. I remember you and how hilarious you were. I looked up to you as someone who knew what they wanted and was firm, I felt like I was such a wishy-washy people pleaser. You are brave. You are strong. You are loved. And this is all temporary. Mental health is extremely fragile,and it’s not something we have control over. Just know that we’re all rooting for you. You can do this. You can do anything. Just one breath at a time. And tell them to give you back your watch!

2 08 2013
Julie

Prayers and good thoughts and virtual hugs.

2 08 2013
ALeisha

You are brave. You are strong. You can do hard things. You are going to be okay. Praying for you! (And oddly, eating sausage this morning! HA!)

2 08 2013
Trish

(((hugs))) hang in there mama!

2 08 2013
Alayne

I will be thinking about you and praying that you feel not so scared and not so sad.

1 08 2013
Holly Richardson (@HollyontheHill)

Jenny, thank you for being brave enough to share your fears. You are in my thoughts and prayers too. XO

1 08 2013
Gina

Hey Jenny, chin up. This is only temporary, and you need to get feeling better. Your inner control freak needs to relax. I know you are scared, I would be too. Try not to worry, the people there want to help you. Let them drive the car, and you try to relax and concentrate on feeling better. You will be in our prayers

1 08 2013
Cori

Crap Jen….I miss you. And love you. And now I want to go eat sausages. Sending happy thoughts your way.

1 08 2013
Danessa

You are beautiful, and amazing. I know you are scared, but you are strong. Just know you are loved, and things will get better. Loves!

1 08 2013
Mimi

Loves. Loves loves loves!!!

1 08 2013
June

Oh jenny…I have felt the same way. It is scary but please know I am thinking of you and you are most definitely in my prayers. I think under the right circumstances, most of us could end up right where you are. But you have lots of love and support. Let me know if you get visitors!! Luv ya

1 08 2013
Tudie Rose

I hope you feel better soon, and I hope you’re not scared anymore. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

1 08 2013
Melody

I’m sad that you’re scared. Thank you for saying it though. Sorry about the scrubs. Also, I’m pretty sure there are angels of psych crap. I’m asking them to hang out with you while you’re there. Just so you know.

I love your writing. And your soul. God bless you.

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