Hey, remember when we went camping last year and didn’t get eaten by bears? Yeah, that was awesome. Good news! I took my notebook again.
5:20 pm Oh, hi. We’re going camping again, because Car hates me. Ha! I kid! Sort of. Somehow we managed to leave even later than last year, which is pretty pathetic.
Car has attempted to stop the never-ending stream of chatter from the back seat by introducing the quiet game. Little G lost after about 30 seconds. Big G is still going strong three minutes in, but now he’s taken to tapping me on the shoulder incessantly. That’s not at all annoying.
5:24 pm Little G: “Pandas hide in the forest. Mountain pandas!”
5:25 pm Ah, crap. Big G gave up.
5:27 pm Little G: “This is what we call a mountain!”
Big G: “No, this is a hill.”
5:28 pm Big G (as we wind our way up the “hill”): “I’m afraid of heights.”
Little G: “Me too!”
Thanks for sharing with your little brother, anxiety boy.
5:30 pm Little G: “Why do leaves change color?”
Me: “Because it’s getting colder.”(What, you expected some big science-y explanation? Silly people.)
Little G: “When it gets colder will they turn blue?
5:32 pm Big G: “OH! BIG WILD COWS!”
5:36 pm 7000 feet up. Looking down into the valley I can easily see why Little G’s asthma has been acting up lately. That’s some nasty air.
5:41 pm Big G: “A lot more wild cows! That’s what I call cool!”
6:15 pm The camp hosts have made us feel very welcome by informing us that badgers have been spotted in the area. I managed to resist saying, “Badgers? We don’t need no stinkin’ badgers!” I also didn’t make any honey badger jokes. All y’all should be so proud of me.
6:45 pm I just heard the plucking of a guitar being tuned. The people at the campsite next to us have a guitar. Kill me now.
6:45 pm YOU GUYS. If you take your dog camping, it should probably stop barking at some point so the people in neighboring campsites don’t kill you.
8:30 pm My phone’s battery has died, and along with it, a little piece of my soul.
9:25 pm Big G asked me to tell a scary story by the campfire. My story: “When I was a little girl, my parents woke me up, packed up the car…and took me camping!”
9:30 pm Big G: “You know, the packing and your parents taking you camping—that’s not what I call a scary story. That’s what I call boring.”
9:35 pm Big G, hands full of marshmallows: “Look how happy I am!”
9:40 pm Little G: “Is it time to go to bed?” Me: “Are you tired?” Little G: “Yes! Let’s go to bed!”
9:45 pm Big G: “I’m really tired, mom.”
9:46 pm Big G: “It’s really dark, mom. I don’t like how dark it is.”
9:47 pm Big G: “Dad, can I have some more chocolate?” Chocolate fixes everything, people.
9:49 pm Big G: “Dad, should we go seeking for creatures tonight?” Sure, buddy. How about some badgers?
9:50 pm Car adds another piece of wood to the fire and says, “Oh, that’s a big one!” My brain automatically adds, “That’s what she said!”
9:52 pm Me, as I start my 4th page of notes: “Apparently camping is good for my writing.”
Big G: “Why, mom?”
Me: “Because there’s nothing else for me to do.”
9:54 pm Little G insists there’s a story about him and Tigger running away from a ghost. Big G: “That’s a made-up story.” Thank you, Captain Obvious.
3:45 am If I pee in the woods and nobody is there to hear it, did it actually happen? I say no.
3:50 am I might be sitting in the car, writing and charging my phone. SHUT UP MY BACK HURTS AND I HATE CAMPING.
I forgot to bring a Pull-Up and a diaper. I have one boy who’s incredibly paranoid he’s going to pee during the night (totally valid) and another who swears he won’t pee in his underwear (probably true). The only dream I recall tonight involves Little G pooping in his underwear. Thanks, subconscious!
Partway through the night, Big G woke up and panicked because HE COULDN’T TOUCH ME AND WHERE WAS HIS MOM? Folks, we have a six-person tent. If you know anything about tents, you know that two adults and two kids basically max it out if you have any regard for personal space. I was probably about six inches away from him. The horror!
4:00 am I really don’t want to go back to the tent.
4:06 am My phone claims it’s at 77% battery. My phone is a lying sack of crap.
4:15 am Car: “Something something didn’t bring ibuprofen blah blah.” Whatever, dude. You’re the one who wanted to sleep somewhere other than our bed.
4:18 am I’m on page five of notes. Misery is so inspiring!
4:27 am My phone now says it’s at 68% battery. LYING USELESS PIECE OF HOOEY. I’ve decided to go back to the tent to face my fate. Vaya con Dios, me.
7:53 am I’m happy to report there were no potty accidents last night, and this morning the boys quite gladly peed on trees.
Also this morning: I turned on my phone and it’s at 1% battery. My phone is the son of a whore.
8:03 am I am too cold to drink Dr. Pepper. Is this what death feels like?
10:43 am The people are few campsites over have decided everyone enjoys loud country music. They are incorrect. Car has decided this is a sign it’s time for us to pack up our stuff.
10:45 am The campsite across from us has countered with ukulele-accompanied Death Cab for Cutie.
10:49 am …And there goes a car alarm. Ah, nature.
That’s the end of my notes. I’m sure you’re relieved. On our way home, the car in front of us hit and killed a squirrel. Not exactly the best way to end our trip, but—sing it with me—it’s the Circle of Life.
*Oh, hi. So I stopped blogging for a while. I kind of missed you guys! Did you miss me? Please say yes, if only to stroke my ego.