I Feel Like Something is Missing

15 10 2011

I was going to blog about something else, so if you’re one of the people I told about my potential blog topic, sorry. I’ll still write that other blog, but after tonight’s dinner of Chinese takeout, I have more pressing matters to address. Don’t you love how I’m all cryptic?

Like, say, fortune cookies. Why do we love fortune cookies so much? It’s not just me, right? I love fortune cookies. I will cut someone who tries to steal my fortune cookie, because there’s nothing more awesome than breaking open a stale cookie to read a generic message about my future. Then, for some reason, I will stuff the cardboard-tasting cookie in my mouth. It’s inexplicable, yet I repeat the process every time I get Chinese food and I love it.

Reading a fortune cookie with a 6-year-old doesn’t have quite the same flair.

“What does mine say, mom?” asked Big G.

“It says you are about to embark on a most delightful journey.”

*pause* “What does that mean?”

“It means you’re going to go on a fun trip.”

*pause* “What does that mean?”

Is there a way to more clearly phrase that? I think not.

That wasn’t the point of the post anyway. Neither is this, but I need to get it off my chest: what the hell is up with fortune cookies that don’t have an actual fortune in them? Little G’s fortune: “Discontent is the first necessity of progress.” That’s not a fortune cookie, people. We’ll call that…an aphorism cookie. (I am so trademarking that.)

And then we have my fortune. I took a picture, and then I made it all arty and crap because let’s face it, a picture of a fortune is about as boring as it gets.

No, I didn’t cut off the picture. That’s all the fricking thing said.

It’s not just me, right? Something is missing from that fortune.

…hygiene?

…loans?

…ads?

…care products?

…trainers?

I am stymied. How can I enjoy a fortune cookie if I can’t add the words “in bed” at the end? Because that, folks, is some high-quality humor right there. (Please tell me I’m not the only one who wants to be brain-wiped of that juvenile, overused trend and just go back to enjoying crappy fortunes.)

The fortune cookie manufacturers obviously need a proofreader. I hereby offer up my services.

They can pay me in cookies.

*At least they got the “admirable” part right. Rock on, fortune cookies.

**Not so much with the firm, though.

***Unless they’re talking about my resolve or something.

****But if they’re talking about visible parts of me, firm is not a word I’d use.

*****I just realized mine isn’t a fortune cookie either. It’s more like a Retrospective Cookie.™

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5 responses

1 11 2011
rachel

i want an aphorism cookie! i find that most “fortunes” i get in fortune cookies now days are just advice. although the day i graduated from college, i got one that said “you will inherit a large sum of money.” still waiting on that. have you ever seen the simpsons where mr burns gets the fortune “you will find true love on flag day?” good times.

15 10 2011
Amelia

Weird. I hate the non fortune ones too. False advertising.

15 10 2011
andygirl

problem. I think the last word is problem.

I hate fortunes that aren’t fortunes. if they’re just good advice or a compliment, I’m like, “I knew THAT!” tell me something I don’t know.

15 10 2011
Erika Hill

Love fortune cookies, but I often nearly swear at them when they’re not actual fortunes. My least favorite are compliment cookies. Seriously, I don’t trust a cookies that says I’m kind and generous–it’s just trying to make nice so I won’t eat it. Wrong again, compliment cookie!

Brent wants to start a religion based around fortune cookies. So, if we ever decide the whole Mormon thing isn’t for us (not likely…), look for us at “Messages from Cookies” church.

My favorite fortunes, however, are still hanging on my fridge. I got these a few years ago, and I am really not making them up:

“You will prosper in the field of medical research.”

“A wacky invention will bring you great success.”

“You will have success in everything”

“God will give you everything you want.”

Still waiting for…all of those…to come true, but they make me smile. Especially the first two.

15 10 2011
davesdanessa

hee hee hee

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