I Might be Afraid of My Kids

6 06 2011

Not in some nebulous, crackpot “they make me vulnerable because I love them so much” sort of way.

No, I’m quite literally scared of my sons.

Boys are rambunctious. Put a three-year-old and five-year-old together and the end result is a fair bit of laughter, a substantial amount of yelling, at least one fit of tears and one cry of “Mo-om! He kicked/hit/pushed me”, and a wrestling match that rivals any you might see on the pro circuit. Unfortunately, these wrestling matches always seem to take place in my general vicinity (translation: my lap/head/legs/bed).

Sadly, it’s not just the horseplay. Two weeks ago Little G woke up in the morning and climbed into bed with me for a snuggle. As he made his way over to my side of the bed, his elbow caught me in the eye. The result was not attractive.

The crappy cell phone pic doesn't help either.

The black eye has finally faded to a faint shadow on my cheekbone, which is nice since for the last two weeks I’ve felt like I should wear a sign that says “My husband does not beat me, but my 3-year-old does.”

This morning we were sitting on the couch, watching cartoons, when Little G started goofing off and pulled the ultimate kid move—the “jerk the head back and smash mom’s nose so hard she immediately starts sobbing.” Good news: my nose isn’t broken. Bad news: I spent the rest of the day with a headache that radiated out from the bridge of my nose. Also, it hurts like a mother and I have some dark shadowing under my eyes. If I end up with any sort of black eye(s) from this, my neighbors will probably call the cops on Car. Thanks, Little G!

Tonight, as I was about to reach into the ottoman for the scriptures, 32 pounds of child launched himself onto the top of it, slamming it shut. Fortunately, my cat-like reflexes saved my hand and wrist from the painful crushing injury I’m sure would’ve resulted.

Did I mention when Big G was three he scratched my cornea?

I’d invest in a bubble, but the boys would probably pop it. Instead, I think I should go with this:

I think it’ll work.

*Some of you might think I’m joking. I’m not. I spent family prayer in the defensive position, because bowing my head next to a child’s head with my eyes closed seemed like begging for abuse.

**It’s possible after the ottoman incident, I yelled “I have had it!” and stormed off to the bedroom, where I hid under the covers and cried for a bit while Car read scriptures with the boys.

***Okay, it’s not just possible. Shut up. I’ve had a sinus headache all day.

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5 responses

8 06 2011
Mel

Oh dude! Kids will beat you up before you even know what’s happening. Love the suit idea!

7 06 2011
Rachel

Dude, you look smokin’ hot in your bubble-suit! I’ll get a hazmat suit to protect me from my peach tree, and we’ll look sexy together.

7 06 2011
danessa

And I read this as a woman with 2 perfectly behaved girls (snort) expecting a boy. Maybe we should start a business making signs that say…no my husband doesn’t beat me…my kids do. Think there’s a market? Except I will say, once D elbowed me in my eye…and left me with this awesome shiner. Oh the looks you get….

7 06 2011
Is This Mike On?

Love hurts.

6 06 2011
tenilleavery

dude, I feel your pain. Timmy loves to smash my nose. I was once whipped with a chain that he was trying to smack his sister with. Boys are naughty. invest in some protective gear. you won’t regret it. 🙂 also, invest in the sign. I have had people pull me aside to make sure Scott was treating me well.

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