Keep holding on
When my brain’s ticking like a bomb
Guess the black thoughts
Have come again to get me
So many ways to say it. Rage. Ire. Wrath. Fury. Outrage. Choler.
Sweet bitter words
Unlike nothing I have heard
Sing along, mockingbird
You don’t affect me
So many ways to feel it.
Big G screams and sobs because there isn’t a piece of sausage on his pizza…even though I offered him a piece 30 seconds ago.
Little G head-butts me so hard I see stars.
Car says he’s going to throw away my Nine Inch Nails CD.
A customer complains about the restrictions on her Medicaid when she can’t fill her Percocet five days early.
Some jerk glues himself to my bumper on the freeway, somehow thinking I can defy earthly laws and go faster than the car in front of me.
Deliver it to my heart
I barely recognize this version of myself. As much as I hate depression, it’s a familiar state. This constant, seething lividity is a creature I don’t understand.
Wait, I’m coming undone
Irate, I’m coming undone
Too late, I’m coming undone
One look so strong, so delicate
In rehab I learned that anger is a secondary emotion. It covers up hurt, frustration, fear…a myriad of emotions we don’t want to feel or can’t allow ourselves to feel. It’s a defense mechanism. My therapist believes my anger is borne of exhaustion and hopelessness.
I’m trying to hold it together
Head is lighter than a feather
Looks like I’m not getting better
Not getting better
I think for now I’ll embrace my wrathful incarnation. It sounds safer than exhaustion and hopelessness, don’t you think?
*Lyrics are from “Coming Undone” by Korn.
**Yes, I have the musical tastes of a 14-year-old boy. I think we’ve covered this before.