Coming Undone

5 04 2011

Keep holding on
When my brain’s ticking like a bomb
Guess the black thoughts
Have come again to get me

Anger.

So many ways to say it. Rage. Ire. Wrath. Fury. Outrage. Choler.

Sweet bitter words
Unlike nothing I have heard
Sing along, mockingbird
You don’t affect me

Fury.

So many ways to feel it.

Big G screams and sobs because there isn’t a piece of sausage on his pizza…even though I offered him a piece 30 seconds ago.

Little G head-butts me so hard I see stars.

Car says he’s going to throw away my Nine Inch Nails CD.

A customer complains about the restrictions on her Medicaid when she can’t fill her Percocet five days early.

Some jerk glues himself to my bumper on the freeway, somehow thinking I can defy earthly laws and go faster than the car in front of me.

That’s right
Deliver it to my heart
Please strike
Be deliberate

Rage.

I barely recognize this version of myself. As much as I hate depression, it’s a familiar state. This constant, seething lividity is a creature I don’t understand.

Wait, I’m coming undone
Irate, I’m coming undone
Too late, I’m coming undone
One look so strong, so delicate

In rehab I learned that anger is a secondary emotion. It covers up hurt, frustration, fear…a myriad of emotions we don’t want to feel or can’t allow ourselves to feel. It’s a defense mechanism. My therapist believes my anger is borne of exhaustion and hopelessness.

I’m trying to hold it together
Head is lighter than a feather
Looks like I’m not getting better
Not getting better

I think for now I’ll embrace my wrathful incarnation. It sounds safer than exhaustion and hopelessness, don’t you think?

*Lyrics are from “Coming Undone” by Korn.

**Yes, I have the musical tastes of a 14-year-old boy. I think we’ve covered this before.

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3 responses

5 04 2011
andygirl

so beautifully written, doll.

I don’t know what to tell you because anger was such a relief for me when I finally felt it. I spent my life burying anger and only feeling guilt. when I finally got angry, I was finally free. and then I got happy. my advice is this (and what I think my therapist would say): explore that emotion. analyze it. lean into it. discover what is there and underneath it. that’s the only way to move to the next step.

5 04 2011
meredith

5 04 2011
Is This Mike On?

Your writing continues to amaze me. I think I want to be like you when I grow up. (Well writing-wise, that is.)

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