I Wish I Had a River

13 12 2010

It’s coming on Christmas
They’re cutting down trees
They’re putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
~ Joni Mitchell

Oh, Joni Mitchell. How I relate to you. Except for that whole ending sentences with a preposition thing. I mean, I do that sometimes, but I couldn’t do it in that particular instance. “I could skate away on” is just a bit much for me. But still, I get the idea. I really do.

I feel overwhelmed. I look at my schedule for the week, and there are so many things to do. Vital things, important things, slightly less important but still need to get finished things…all on my list. So very much. I’ve started cutting things out, and the things that get cut are the fluff—in other words, the “fun” items.

On top of that, my brain has stopped working. Admittedly, it wasn’t really full-power before now, but this is a new low for me. I agreed to work an extra shift and didn’t even realize it meant Big G would miss a day of school. School, people. My child is missing school because I forgot he had it.

I think it seems worse than normal because this is supposed to be the season of peace and joy and love and happiness and all that good stuff. If I pause for a millisecond, I wonder, “Where’s my peace?” and then I get sad, and jump to the next task at hand, because maybe if I just accomplish enough I’ll be able to find some sort of…anything.

I don’t remember being this sad at Christmas before. I don’t much care for it. Less than two weeks until the actual day, so perhaps if we all pray for a miracle…it could happen, right?

That’s what I want for Christmas this year. I want a smile without a shadow. A laugh without illusion.

And now to bed with me. I have work tomorrow. At least I remember that much!

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8 responses

20 12 2010
Will You Take Me As I Am: Book Review | Dirty Laundry

[…] I Wish I Had a River (likeswimming.wordpress.com) […]

14 12 2010
meredith

i love you and i so get it.

13 12 2010
Sherry

I drove by your house at 5:30 this morning. Every light in your house had to on. I thought your family must be crazy to be awake that early in the morning…then I realized I was the one awake and driving by your house that early in the morning! You are fabulous, funny, and one of the reasons why I’m glad we “moved.” If you need help getting folks from point A to point B, give me a call. 🙂

13 12 2010
Mom

I’ve been closer to where you are than you’ll ever know! I would stay up all night to get everything done and invariably be sick for Christmas. I don’t know if you remember. Suggestion: take only ONE day at a time. Don’t think of everything that you NEED to do. Concentrate only on what you are doing or going to do that day. Get some sleep, as much as possible. We will find time next week. We will make a gingerbread house or cookies. You will have at least one day to yourself to wrap presents, listen to music and smile.

Most of all, remember that none of the “fluff” matters. the Son of God was born. If you do nothing more than say your prayers and trust in His love, knowing that because of his birth one day all your pain will truly be gone and you will be a glorified person, than you can count that day as a success! You are very loved and truly blessed!

13 12 2010
rachel

screw all the stuff you need to do and just come play! i have several baking projects i want to do, so come join the fun! we all know how low the expectations are at my house. it’s a no-pressure environment.

13 12 2010
Erin

I don’t think I’ve been happy at Christmas for the last three years. Mostly (is that a word? it is now.) it’s because I see all of the toys that Colby should be playing with and I have to try and find toys that he can actually play with or use with help or that will at least make him smile. I think I feel like his life is unfair this month more than any other even his birthday. He should go play in the snow and throw snow balls at his sisters instead of me trying to navigate his wheelchair through the snow as fast as i can before he gets to cold and his muscles seize up.

Anyway I’m working really hard to not feel that way this year but I’m struggling with it and I shouldn’t because he’s still here and that is should be enough. Sorry I meant to be all witty and funny not typing with tears streaming down my face. Sorry to be a downer. I hope you find your smile today.

13 12 2010
andygirl

I hear you, honey. I don’t have words of comfort though. I had a real breakdown today. I know that overwhelmed feeling. it just gets too much to bear sometimes. how about this: if you hope for a break in the clouds for me, I’ll do the same for you. *hugs*

13 12 2010
HexingThoughts

The “peace on Earth” bit has been erased in the last few years by a shadowy terrorist organization. These people release an airborne version of the “Asshole virus” into the air right around Thanksgiving every year. I’m not exactly sure who is behind this organization, but I highly suspect the people who run national jewelry store chains, WalMart, Target, and of course, the jerks at Lexus.

And I’ll talk to Santa about your Christmas wish and see if we can’t do something about it. 🙂

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