I Gotta Be Me

22 11 2010

Y’all, I found out my bishop (lay clergy, for those of you who aren’t familiar with Mormonism) reads my blog. At least sometimes. Or someone gives it to him. I’m not really sure which it is. All I know is he mentioned something I wrote when he was talking to Car.

Oh. Um. Hi, Bishop!

Funny thing, though. If I were a better person, or at least a different person, that fact would spur me to change my blog, wouldn’t it? To stop swearing, to try to be more positive…to be less me?

But I’m me. Writing something different wouldn’t change that. All it would do is make me angry and bitter. And really, does anyone actually expect me to change? Where do I get that assumption from?

I’m rambling, I know, so I need to stop and pull my thoughts together. Deep breaths. Must make sense.

Okay. What I’ve got going here is the basic assumption that somehow my blog is, at its core, a thing that could cause offense. Because of that, when I find out my clergy reads it, I assume he could be shocked by it, and therefore I should change it, but by gum, I’m not going to change it, because my blog is a piece of who I am.

Wow. Lots of assumptions there. And to think I’m hurt when other people make assumptions about me.

So at this point perhaps I’ll just say I’m flattered you, any and all of you, read my blog. I’m delighted you return to read my thoughts. I love that you laugh and cry and get angry right along with me. That you love this blog? Well, it feels like you love me. This blog is me.

Writing this blog is more rewarding and enriching than I ever imagined. I’m sure it’ll evolve and change as time passes, but hopefully that’ll happen naturally. If you ever see me make changes because of some knee-jerk reaction, leave me nasty comments, okay?

Well, maybe not nasty comments, exactly. That would make me sad. Perhaps comments infused with gentle guidance.

Shut up. I’m a delicate flower.

Jerks.

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10 responses

22 11 2010
Jenny

If there is one thing I like about your blog it is that you are honest. If your Bishop has read your blog then he has likely read others and should be able to see as plain as day that you are who you are and those others just might be presenting themselves as they want people to see them, not who they are and how they feel. Who knows, maybe he will end up with someone in his office and think to himself, “I bet Jenny could relate to this…,” and next thing you know you are an example to someone who thinks they are the only one… You will be someone’s answer someday — thanks to your very honest, straight forward blog… I know our Bishop wouldn’t judge, just learn.

22 11 2010
Rachel

Dude, if the bishop doesn’t know by now that you’re not Molly Mormon superwoman, he hasn’t been paying attention too closely. Or at all.

22 11 2010
Mrs. Organic

Oh man. If my bish read mine, it would change my opinion of him completely. I don’t believe he has that kind of patience.

22 11 2010
meredith

i know threatening violence is probably a bad thing at this juncture, particularly after a recent episode we know as “the asshole incident,” but, well, shit, you know what i want to say.

also, i love you. the end. bitch.

22 11 2010
danessa

(snort) delicate flower. Hee hee.
So, if I am understanding you correctly, your blog is not like some insane perpetual Christmas card that is made for the express purpose of making others feel somehow less awesome? Hmmm. Weird.

22 11 2010
Erin

My whole flippin ward reads mine. It gets quoted in the weekly relief society email when I update about Colby. Talk about pressure. Or not. But I think it has stopped me from talking about some things like how I’ve been a bit depressed lately and feeling kind of lonely. They always tell me how positive I am and sometimes I’m just not.

22 11 2010
andygirl

you have yourself a deal!

22 11 2010
zstitches

It’s pretty much been my policy all along to not put anything on my blog that I’d be ashamed for my bishop to read–and yet, I’d still be kind of horrified if my bishop did read my blog. Most of my blog readers (that sounds so pretentious–“my blog readers”–but the fact remains that there are a few people who do read my blog fairly regularly, so I guess that makes them my blog readers) aren’t in my ward, and whenever someone in my ward tells me they’ve started reading my blog–or really if anyone anywhere tells me they’ve started reading my blog–I find myself going back to see what stupid thing I’ve said this time.

22 11 2010
Liz

Pretty sure my bishop doesn’t read my blog (not that I’m very bloggy), but you really made me think. In a good way.

22 11 2010
Mimi

If you ever start writing for “the man” I will personally come over and punch you.

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