Since I Met the Devil

14 11 2010

You see I met a devil named Buena Buena
And since I met the devil I ain’t been the same, oh no
And I feel alright now, I have to tell ya
I think it’s time for me to finally introduce you to the
buena buena buena buena good good good
~ Morphine

I often write posts in my head. I lay down to take a nap, and my mind starts racing and the words flow and I’m full of poetry and genius and I know as soon as I wake up I’ll write the post that will change everything.

Then I wake up. I start to write, and wonder if the whole thing was a dream—not the post itself; rather, the feeling that I can write a thing of beauty.

I know what you’re thinking. “Why don’t you just get up and write when the inspiration hits?”

That would make sense, wouldn’t it? But I’m afraid. Afraid that if I do that, I’ll discover that I should never have put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard, as it were) in the first place.

Today is one of those posts. I started writing it in my head at the beginning of my Sunday nap, and now I’m fairly certain it makes no sense. Lucky for you, I’ve never let that stop me.

I’ve been thinking a lot about drugs lately. There’s a certain amount of mourning involved in accepting I’ll never feel that rush again. Sounds odd, right? How can I miss something that would ruin my family and probably even end my life? I’ve been trying find a relatable way to express that, and here’s what I’ve come up with:

Sex.

No, I’m not just trying to attract spammers. There’s a definite parallel that can be drawn. After all, sex feels good. (If it doesn’t, you’re not doing it right.)

Stick with me. I know it’s hard {that’s what she said}, since I meander a fair amount.

Imagine you’ve been having really great, mind-blowing, life-altering sex on a regular basis for two years. Or five. Or ten. I know! Awesome, right? Now imagine that one day someone says, “Hey, that sex is really bad for you. You can never, ever do it again.”

Suddenly, you’re faced with a future devoid of sex. Logically you understand why you can’t have it, but you remember every glorious moment of it. And sure, there were bad times, but it’s totally worth it because it was fantastic.

But no. Never again. You will remain celibate, and it will be good for you. You’ll learn to live without sex, and you’ll find joy in other things, but still…you won’t forget. It’ll be there in the back of your mind. And when life is difficult, that little devil on your shoulder will whisper, “Hey, remember how amazing you felt back when you were having sex?”

Does it make a little more sense now?

I’m depressed. I’m stressed. And I really, really want a hit of something. Anything. A chemically-induced state of oblivion would be so lovely.

I don’t do that anymore. I’ve learned to live without it, and I find joy in other things.

But I still remember.

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12 responses

16 11 2010
Jessica

sadly, I know the living with out sex thing. No one told me thought that that would be my life for years. It was very hard. I can’t even imagine what you are going through but stay strong. YOU R WORTH IT!

15 11 2010
Lizzy

Beautiful post. Took some courage to submit this one I imagine. Good for you! Get the thoughts out!
You are a strong woman!!! MUCH love to ya!

15 11 2010
Cat Lady

I’ve got severe, debilitating migraines and because of my job, I cannot take anything more then Imitrex. Trust me, the temptation is there. My friend died from an oxycontin overdose about a year ago. How I initially came upon your blog was by googling “cutting.” I totally feel where you are coming from and I am sending you my best wishes as I type this. You seem to have an incredible family. All my best.

15 11 2010
Tiffany

Makes perfect sense. Sometimes all we can do is keep on…and hope that it passes. Thoughts and prayers for you.

15 11 2010
Erin

That’s a great analogy. I wish I could help with the depression and the addiction. Sometimes I think that while we never forget and it’s hard it is a good thing to be able to look back and see how far we’ve come. I know my situation with that is completely different but some days it’s the only thing that keeps me from falling into the depression. I hope you smile today! 🙂

15 11 2010
Cori

Maybe you should try getting addicted to sex instead….:) I don’t think anyone will ever say it’s bad for you.

15 11 2010
ashlee

Makes sense. I’m sorry and I adore you!

15 11 2010
Amanda

I love you. And feel your pain all to well right now. Call if you need. And thanks for helping with some migraine questions the other day.

15 11 2010
meredith

love you.

15 11 2010
Mimi

I totally understand your feelings here. We should go out to lunch again… Rach & I are kind of like drugs right? I mean, we make you do some pretty weird stuff when we’re around… 😉

15 11 2010
HexingThoughts

It doesn’t sound so odd to miss something that sounds like it was a very big part of your life for a long time. These things become a part of you, so that when they’re gone, good or bad, you still want that piece of you back. Even if you know you’re better off without it, the knowledge doesn’t mean much when it comes to that simple *want* impulse.

15 11 2010
andygirl

thank you for writing this post, love. it was brave. and well written. bravo!

I imagine that sex addicts compare their addiction to drugs. it’s amazing how close the connection is. to that kind of rush. I’m lucky enough to say that I’ve never been an addict, but I can empathize with how it happens or with how it must feel. I’ve been head over heels in love with an alcoholic (which you know about) who pushed me away to heal himself. so I understand how consuming it is.

but people who aren’t will never really know. never completely understand.

much love to you. be strong.

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