Just Because You’re Paranoid

17 10 2010

I have a confession.

I love Reader’s Digest.

That’s right, I said it. I love Reader’s Digest. I’m pretty sure that fact, coupled with my sometime incontinence, reveals my true identity—I’m an 80-year-old woman.

I realize many readers of Reader’s Digest aren’t old, but with numerous ads for insulin, cholesterol-lowering medications, and joint replacements, I probably don’t fall within the target demographic.

I love the funny little anecdotes. I love the stories that used to be “Drama in Real Life” but are now something else, which makes me sad because “Drama in Real Life” sounds so…well, dramatic. I’ll even (somewhat grudgingly) admit that from time to time I tear up over a story. Shut up. You probably do, too. You just aren’t as in touch with your emotions as I am.

My very favorite thing, though, is the cover. Every month I look forward to seeing what new, paranoia-inducing teasers they’ve come up with. Some recent examples (taken from only nine issues):

50 Secrets Your Pilot Won’t Tell You
7 Deadly Symptoms to Treat Now!
Doctors confess Their FATAL MISTAKES
13 Things Car Dealers Won’t Tell You
Hospital Dangers
13 Things Identity Thieves Won’t Tell You
ONLINE SCAMS! 7 Sure Signs of a Rip-off
7 easy at-home health checks that can SAVE YOUR LIFE
50 Secrets ER Doctors Won’t Tell You
NEW CREDIT CARD TRAPS: Don’t Get Taken!
50 Secrets Your Waiter Won’t Tell You
Is Your Doctor Out of Date? 6 Critical Signs
9-1-1 NIGHTMARE: Can you count on help?
CRIME ALERT! 13 things a burglar won’t tell you

So, in a nutshell:

  1. My doctor is trying to kill me, either on purpose or through his incompetence.
  2. I don’t really need him anyway, as long as I’m alert to life-threatening symptoms.
  3. Every profession hides alarming secrets that make me never want to leave my home again.
  4. Everyone is trying to steal my money.

And we wonder why old people are paranoid.

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8 responses

14 07 2011
Sadly, My Superpowers Have Faded « Like Swimming

[…] who have been around for a while remember my love of the Reader’s Digest, right? If you’re new to these parts and are unaware of my adoration of this magnificent […]

22 10 2010
rachel

there sure are an awful lot of things that people won’t tell you. but really, why would a burglar tell you anything anyway?

19 10 2010
La Yen

THAT’S OUTRAGEOUS!!

18 10 2010
meredith

how did you KNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW i wanted to steal all your monies?

damn it.

18 10 2010
Kristina P.

Man, I really need to start reading the RD my Grandma has given me as a Christmas gift for the past 10 years.

18 10 2010
Stefani

I too, love Readers Digest. . .hmmmm. Maybe I’m an 80 year old woman as well 🙂

18 10 2010
Jill

Jenny,
A – you love the Readers Digest (as do I).
B – you are incontinent at times (amen).
From these facts I must conclude that no, you are not necessarily 80, but you read RD in the bathroom. And REALLY, where else do you keep a Readers Digest but the place of honor -next to the toilet?!

18 10 2010
HexingThoughts

Oddly enough, I just read the doctor one not that long ago. Ironically? In a doctor’s office. And yes, chuckle-worthy, except now I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t go anywhere. Especially if it involves planes. Guess I’m not going to Disney World.

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