Competent But Not Continent

10 09 2010

Back before I had kids, I would say things like, “I’m laughing so hard I’m going to pee my pants!” It amused me, because obviously I wouldn’t really pee my pants. I mean, who does that? Laughs so hard that they pee?

Fast-forward to my fourth pregnancy (you know, the first one that actually stuck). I posted this story over at the Preeclampsia Foundation forums:

My allergies have been getting progressively worse, to the point that even 2 Benadryl doesn’t keep them at bay. So I spend my days trying to sneeze and snort, because it’s really not considered polite, especially when you’re counting people’s pills.

Well, yesterday, I was taking a prescription from a woman, and I had to get information from her. I knew I was going to sneeze, so I turned away and sneezed once and managed to keep it in, but the second sneeze, snot goes flying out of my nose onto my shirt and–here’s the kicker–I pee my pants. And I’ve got a customer standing behind me, waiting for me to turn around. Fortunately, the snot was such that I covered it with my vest, and the accident didn’t manage to make it through the baggy maternity pants, so I turned around, finished with her, and then ran to the bathroom.

Sadly, that wasn’t the only time I had stress incontinence during that pregnancy, and it culminated with my water breaking but me being completely unaware because I figured I’d just peed myself again.

Good times. Fortunately, after I had Big G, I returned to being my normal, pee-stays-in-the-bladder-until-I-go-to-the-bathroom self, and all was well…

…until I got pregnant again. Try not to laugh at me when you read this, but when my water broke with Little G? Same thing. I thought I’d peed my pants. Shut up. If you were less than 30 weeks pregnant, you wouldn’t assume ruptured membranes either!

After Little G, I went back to my normal life, confident that all my issues would soon resolve.

I was delusional.

Fortunately, my incontinence is of the stress variety, so it’s mostly confined to coughing, sneezing, and vomiting. (I just painted the most glamorous picture of myself, didn’t I?) Believe me when I say I never miss a dose of my allergy pills.

None of this had a huge effect on my life until I got pneumonia. Pneumonia fact: there’s a lot of coughing involved when you’re drowning in your own phlegm. Veritable paroxysms of coughing. Coughing that would make even the most muscular of bladders give way, and my bladder? Not so muscular.

I don’t even know why I tell you people these things, other than to share with you the awesome moment when Big G said:

“Mom, you should sit on the potty when you cough so you don’t pee your pants.”

*For the love of all things holy, WordPress Proofreader, peed is SO a valid word! Haven’t we covered this already?




8 responses

18 10 2010
Just Because You’re Paranoid « Like Swimming

[…] right, I said it. I love Reader’s Digest. I’m pretty sure that fact, coupled with my sometime incontinence, reveals my true identity—I’m an 80-year-old […]

16 09 2010

It’s COMPLETELY normal. You know, for other people. not ME of course. Nope. I’ve never done that, not even once….

12 09 2010
Abigail @ Skywaitress

“You should sit on the potty when you cough.” <– LOL!

Kids are hilarious. Love it!

11 09 2010

besides the truthful hilarity of this post (i’ve definitely peed my pants sneezing and coughing), i like that you used the word paroxysm. 10 points from the vocabulary fairy! i hope wordpress didn’t have a problem with that one.

11 09 2010

I’m sending you some diapers. it’s the least I can do.

also: the image of you coughing, sneezing, *and* vomiting while peeing your pants will never leave me. good god how much I love ya.

11 09 2010

Can I call you the Tinkle Queen? 🙂 I love you!!

11 09 2010

Right there with ya girl! Actually my first sign of pregnancy is always weak bladder and I have to wear a giant pad like the last 5 months of pregnancy. Hmmmm, maybe that’s why we’re done having kids. 🙂

11 09 2010

OH my gosh! Colby almost fell off my lap I was laughing so hard all while trying not to pee my own pants! I have so been there and done that. Amazingly enough, I just review underwear designed for women like us! BIg G cracks me up. I really hope you get better soon.

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