Necessary Warnings

14 08 2010

This is my 200th post. I know! I should write about something meaningful and life-changing, but I haven’t received any personality-altering blows to the head recently. Bummer.

Today Big G & I went to a birthday party for Big G’s friend Isaac. Kid birthday parties are awesome. I can’t remember the last time I saw a piñata at an adult birthday party, and nobody ever sends me home with candy or even little plastic airplanes from the dollar store. Honestly, people. What kind of parties are you throwing?

Isaac’s mom bought a musical candle for his cake. The back of the package was covered with warnings. Behold:

Takeaway points:

  1. If you put this candle on a good luck or, heaven forbid, baby shower cake, they aren’t responsible for the resulting destruction and mayhem.
  2. Apparently lighting the candle without removing it from the package is a very bad thing.
  3. You shouldn’t place the burning candle in your hair.
  4. Sniffing wax never ends well.
  5. Wax earplugs aren’t just smooshed up candle bits. Who knew?
  6. That final warning? Um, yeah. I don’t even have words. The phrase “any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity” will probably haunt my memory for years to come. I might sue Greenbrier International for emotional distress.

The saddest thing is knowing these warnings are completely necessary. At the pharmacy we have to put “remove foil wrapping and insert suppository rectally.” Because…yeah.

Dude. I just noticed the candle contains mercury. This is the most awesome candle ever. Every child needs a mercury-laden candle for his or her birthday! Rachel, don’t throw the candle away. It says the battery life is approximately one year, and Big G’s birthday is in three weeks! I knew we were missing something!

***Oddly enough, this post seems perfectly appropriate for number 200. Now somebody go buy me a hazardous musical candle…of doom!

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7 responses

16 08 2010
Mundane Monday – 8/16/10 « Like Swimming

[…] went to a birthday party for a 4-year-old. They had a helicopter piñata… …and a helicopter […]

16 08 2010
Christopher (AKA: CaJoh)

Congratulations on your 200th post!

It is a shame that we have to protect ourselves from ourselves these days. That common sense has to be spelled out for us.

Thanks for sharing,

16 08 2010
Mimi

I don’t think I actually read the back of the package!! LOL I think Greenbriar International has some ‘splainin’ to do… Some of those sentences sound mildly Engrish, or is that just me?? Jenny, you failed to mention how AWESOME the helicopter pinata was…and the cake. 😀 hee hee

15 08 2010
rachel

you also went home with a bratwurst. heh heh.
wow, i had no idea musical birthday candles were this hazardous. i’m surprised that the state of california hasn’t found that it causes cancer and/or birth defects. and don’t worry, jenny, we saved the candle. i promise that no one has inserted it into any body cavities, so it’s ok to use.

15 08 2010
Kristina P.

So, you mean, I shouldn’t use candles to suck out all the wax from my ears? I saw Jessica Simpson do that once, so I figured it was a smart thing to do.

15 08 2010
Jenny

Oh, well, if Jessica Simpson does something, obviously it’s okay! Thanks for the heads-up. I’ll write to Greenbrier International in the morning!

15 08 2010
RachelFerrucci

Love this! I often amuse myself with warning labels. Sometimes laws are just as good, like in Tenn there’s a law ….” Washing machines and refrigerators are not allowed on front porch” HAHA

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