Pimp My Float

24 07 2010

Hey, July 24th is a holiday! What? It’s not a holiday where you live? Well, you must live amongst godless heathens, because where I live it’s a holiday with parades and rodeos and everything! That’s right, it’s Pioneer Day! It’s the day we Mormons celebrate the arrival of the pioneers in the Salt Lake Valley. You know, after they were driven from their homes by mobs. Not that we dwell on that, because hey! Here we are in Utah, and we know nobody will attempt to drive us out because the beer is only 3.2% alcohol!

Moving right along.

There’s a huge Pioneer Day celebration in Salt Lake City. It culminates in a very long parade (usually in 100 degree weather) with lots of floats, many of which are–go figure–Mormon-themed.

This year, we were graciously gifted with a float that defies description, but because I adore my beloved blog readers, I will do my best.

The theme: "Pioneering Personal Guidance"

Oh, how clever! It’s a GPS unit, and they’re talking about guidance! I get it! But wait, what’s going on with that GPS?

3D temple! Awesome! Or, you know, super weird. According to the float’s creators, “Our stake participated in the temple open house, so we felt we had to put [the temple] on the GPS as something it could guide us to.” I guess it’s good I’m not in charge of these things, because I’d probably put a little pop-up Wendy’s.

Is the “Marmin” thing even worth addressing? Because I’m vomiting just thinking about it.

So…odd float, right? And we’ve only addressed one aspect. That’s right, it just gets better.

Oh, look! It’s the Liahona! According to the commentators, the float’s creators took the Arabic translation from Google but wrote it on the float backwards. Ha! (My family thinks it looks more like Hebrew than Arabic. Opinions?) Too bad there aren’t any experts in Middle Eastern languages in Utah. *That joke is really funny to Utahns. Trust me. We have a ridiculously diverse range of languages amongst our general population due to the large number of return LDS missionaries.

Now we’re at the point where I become convinced someone involved in this float was smoking crack.

Help me!

Yeah. That’s a skeleton. Apparently trapped in a map. Sooo…it’s some kind of allusion to the people who have gone before us? Oh, no. That would make a tiny bit of really twisted sense. Instead, it was something along the lines of what happens to people who focus on worldly treasures. (We kill them, strip the flesh from their bones, and roll them up in parchment paper?) I can’t remember exactly what they said, because I was focused on the fact that these people put a fricking skeleton on their Pioneer Day float.

And we wonder why some people think Mormons are crazy.

*Quote from the float’s creator taken from the LDS Church News. If they sue me, I’m going inactive.
**Pictures taken by me. Okay, yeah, I took pictures of the TV, where KSL 5 was showing the parade, but darn it, I took the pictures!

Oh, WordPress Proofreader, for once we are in total agreement. “Marmin” is not a word. “Marmin” will never be a word. The people who thought up “Marmin” should die a thousand painful deaths.




10 responses

26 07 2010

This is SO funny. Maybe you have to live in Utah to get some of it but it is hilarious. The float itself was appalling and embarrassing enough but your commentary on it is priceless. So fun to be mocking it with you! Great post. :]

26 07 2010

this reaffirms my belief in the inherent evil and stupidity of parades. what the @*%&?!

25 07 2010

Garmin is a maker of GPS products. And I would suppose that “Marmin” sounds like the way hicks/rednecks/most of Utah says “Mormon.” I guess the float makers thought it would be an amusing play on words (?)

I’m awfully fond of the skeleton rolled in parchment! LOL Crazy!

25 07 2010
Kristina P.

What is up with the Marmin thing? I don’t understand. Help!

25 07 2010

It’s true we are so strange! That float seriously defies all levels of strangeness! We never watch any parades so I can’t tell you how strange the logan floats were but I’m sure there were some interesting ones. We also had someone ride by on their bike and write down our address because my BIL had fireworks from outer darkness. Oh oops I mean Wyoming. Nice love your fellow neighbor right?

25 07 2010

Oh my.

25 07 2010

So we are on our way to the lake and I’m reading this and snorting. Finally Mike asked me to read it out loud because he wanted to know what was so funny. I’m pretty sure he understands why I love you so much. You’s funny!!!!

25 07 2010

LOL HA HA HA. I can’t stop smiling 🙂 I love you

25 07 2010

It’s definitely not Hebrew. And it looks like the Arabic homework my best friend worked on all year long. So I vote arabic!

25 07 2010

So. Bizarre.

And I vote for Arabic. It’s a bit blocky for Arabic, but Hebrew doesn’t look like that. In my vast expert opinion. (*snort*)

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