Dressed for Success

9 07 2010

The management at my place of employment put a letter in with the paycheck of every employee. For your personal entertainment, I present:

The Dress Code

I’ve highlighted some of the particularly perplexing and/or lame bits. I also circled what could be one of my favorite misspellings ever.

A few questions:

  1. What, exactly, is an offensive way to cover a tattoo? I have an overwhelming need to know the answer to this question.
  2. Are you offering to buy me pants if my old ones have become faded and are therefore “two tone”? I don’t make enough with my hourly wage to buy new clothes. Also, no capris? Really? Are you worried customers might be blinded by the pasty whiteness of my legs?
  3. So…you’re only going to give me one shirt? What if I work every day? I’d either have to do laundry every day (not very time- or cost-effective) or buy at least five shirts. At $17 apiece, that adds up pretty quickly. (See above comment about how much I’m paid.)
  4. Can the rule about not overusing perfume be applied to our customers as well?
  5. Who gets to be the makeup police? I think it should me, because making women wash off their makeup in a public restroom would totally rock.
  6. If I, in a fit of rebellion, wear my name badge on the right side of my apron, are you really going to fire me?
  7. Moderate sideburns? Really? I think I need an illustration of what, exactly, this entails.
  8. When you outlaw beards, only outlaws will have beards. Or something like that. Don’t even get me started on the abomination that is the pornstache. [Don’t click that link while you’re eating. Unless you’re feeling the need to purge, in which case click away. Oh, and call a therapist.]

Only one of these men can work for my employer. Hint: It's not Tom Selleck.

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13 responses

12 07 2010
a Co-worker

Jenn! You are so Awesome! LOL You have such a creative mind! And maybe a bit daring to post this! But..it’s ridiculous! I was told if it wasn’t in our contracts when we sign up to work..then we don’t need to worry about good ol’ “MR PRESIDENT/CEO…:) we could actually SUE him 🙂

12 07 2010
a Co-worker

Well..tomorrow is monday..so we’ll have to see wht the H***! is going to happen ehh 🙂

11 07 2010
Laney

I am so bookmarking this entry for the next time I need to laugh!
I would love to know what qualifies as an offensive way to cover to cover tatoos as well. If you ever find out, let me know.

10 07 2010
rachel

ooo, ooo, i know the answer to the “magnum p.i.” question! it’s rick! i’m impressed i still remember that.

10 07 2010
Elisa

I want to wear a pornstache. Is that asking too much and would they fire me? Because I think we could win a sexual discrimination case, if they did.

Pornstache women have rights too, you know.

10 07 2010
Mimi

Who wrote this??? They don’t even have a flimsy grasp on the English language! Sad, sad, sad… the fact that you work in a certain hicktown in Utah might explain the horrible-ness. I mean, they use words like “lurpy” and cannot correctly pronounce “sale,” “milk,” or “deal.”

Oh, and LOL!

12 07 2010
a Co-worker

um that would be the “President or CEO” lol

9 07 2010
Alex

You know, it’s been my lifelong dream to work in a pershibal department. But I don’t know that they would hire me at your work. My makeup probably isn’t okay and I always cover my tattoos with pages that I rip out of “Huster” and “High Times” magazines. 😦

Dang, I’ll never be good enough to wear the red OR the green apron.

9 07 2010
Kristina P.

So, I can still go around topless, right?

You need to come and enter my giveaway!

9 07 2010
Tenille

Can be your assistant on the too much makeup police force. I would be awesome. I have a secret desire to hose people down. 🙂

9 07 2010
Julie

WOW. Places still exist like this?! I love #4.

And Molly, really? they made you stand all day at a retail job on flip flops? There is something so wrong with that.

9 07 2010
Molly

Oh boy. This reminds me of when I worked at Hollister. We were never allowed to wear anything black, had to wear flipflops (unless it was the dead of winter. then we could wear brown or beige uggs) No jewelry that was “not in the soco style”. Huh?

The moderate sideburns cracks me up! And what if your shoes are closed at the toe but open elsewhere? What now! Also, conservative earrings? ‘Splain please company.

9 07 2010
Emily

LOL

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