For everything I do
That will tear at you
Let me say I’m sorry now
– Shawn Colvin
Dear Big and Little G,
Today was a hard day. Hard for me and for you. You wanted to run and play and dance and swing and do all the things little boys love. I wanted to sit on the couch and have a nap–maybe even crawl back into bed and hide under the covers.
I told you we could go to the park or maybe play with friends. When we didn’t go anywhere, it was terribly confusing and you were angry and disappointed.
So was I.
You see, I want to do those things with you. I want to run and play and dance and swing. I want to play duck-duck-goose with only three people and twirl around in circles until we fall on the floor laughing. I want to go to the park, to feed ducks at the pond, to the garden with the fountain that sprays water and makes you giggle.
I want to be the Very Best Mommy. You deserve the Very Best Mommy.
I don’t want to be sad.
I started to type that I hope someday you’ll understand, but you know what? I hope you never understand what this feels like. I hope your lives are filled with beauty and laughter and joy so incandescent it lights the world.
I will see my therapist. I will see my psychiatrist. I promise you I will do everything I can to be the Very Best Mommy and I will never, ever stop trying.
Always remember that you are my very favorite boys. Your hugs and smiles are my light at the end of the tunnel.