I’ll Say I’m Sorry Now

12 06 2010

For everything I do
That will tear at you
Let me say I’m sorry now
– Shawn Colvin

Dear Big and Little G,

Today was a hard day. Hard for me and for you. You wanted to run and play and dance and swing and do all the things little boys love. I wanted to sit on the couch and have a nap–maybe even crawl back into bed and hide under the covers.

I told you we could go to the park or maybe play with friends. When we didn’t go anywhere, it was terribly confusing and you were angry and disappointed.

So was I.

You see, I want to do those things with you. I want to run and play and dance and swing. I want to play duck-duck-goose with only three people and twirl around in circles until we fall on the floor laughing. I want to go to the park, to feed ducks at the pond, to the garden with the fountain that sprays water and makes you giggle.

I want to be the Very Best Mommy. You deserve the Very Best Mommy.

I don’t want to be sad.

I started to type that I hope someday you’ll understand, but you know what? I hope you never understand what this feels like. I hope your lives are filled with beauty and laughter and joy so incandescent it lights the world.

I will see my therapist. I will see my psychiatrist. I promise you I will do everything I can to be the Very Best Mommy and I will never, ever stop trying.

Always remember that you are my very favorite boys. Your hugs and smiles are my light at the end of the tunnel.





15 responses

17 02 2011
Tweets that mention I’ll Say I’m Sorry Now « Like Swimming -- Topsy.com

[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by JennaFarelyn, Good Day, Reg People. Good Day, Reg People said: I'll Say I'm Sorry Now: http://t.co/V1IaYuz How do you ask your children to forgive you for what you've done? Beautiful […]

17 02 2011
By Word of Mouth Musings

I have no words of wisdom …
but what a wonderful Mom you must be to those boys, to look at their lives … from their point of view.
Each day is a new one, baby steps …

17 02 2011

I’m crying so hard now.

Have you said this to them out loud.

I need to ask my therapist if I need to do this out loud. Maybe then I can forgive myself and start over.

Everyday, I am depressed b/c of what I did before I knew to get help.

I have hope …i’m going to ask if maybe a formal public plea for forgiveness.


Thank you for your kindness today.

14 06 2010
Jill Oliver

Oh my, are you actually inside my head? I too will continue to see my psychiatrist and counselor.

13 06 2010

Saying prayers for you and sending my love. You are incredible. Really. Believe me!

14 06 2010

Thanks, Jackie. On the upside…at least I didn’t get kicked out of the gym. Oh, wait…that’s because I never go to the gym. Never mind. 😉

12 06 2010

Oh… you’ve got me in tears. That was us for the last two days. And it showed today… the wear it took on my kids.
It’s so hard when you feel like you can’t move from the spot you’re in. And I so get what you say when you don’t want them to feel like you have felt, but there will always be a longing for them to comprehend a little bit of why there were those times. Sending virtual hugs your way.

14 06 2010

Corinne, now you have me in tears reading this. Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone. Sometimes it’s so easy to look at other moms and think they have no idea how I’m feeling. It’s like everyone has it together but me. Logically I know that’s not true, but emotionally…well, that’s an entirely different beast. I know you understand.

12 06 2010
Kristina P.

They will understand someday.

12 06 2010

Oh Jen. You are amazing. Sending loves your way, and know your kids will ALWAYS adore you!

12 06 2010

I just popped over here from the Extraordinary Ordinary and am searching for a way to a. say what I feel and b. how to contact you personally. That sounds cryptic and trust me I only want you to know how much your story touches me and how much I admire your bravery AND how much I understand where you are coming from. Not totally…but in many many ways. That’s about all I can say without writing an actual post in a comment…

I never say that I know what you are going through because everyone goes through depression in their own way-but I do understand the pain and guilt and solitude. Just know that many people do care.

12 06 2010

Thinking of you…don’t be so hard on yourself…awareness is KEY…kids are so forgiving! Hugs!

12 06 2010

I’ve been there with my two girls, it’s hard to explain to young children that you want to do everything you’ve promised them, but sometimes it’s just too hard. As an alcoholic, I am self-centered in the extreme, but I am working on it through the 12 steps and my program. I hope my daughters will remember all the wonderful times we have, instead of all the times I’ve let them down.

14 06 2010

That egocentric world view is much harder to let go of than I expected, which really sucks because I just want my boys to be happy, but I don’t want to lose myself completely. It’s hard to find that balance.

Today, I’m hoping my son will remember that I sat with him for an hour…not that he cried for 2 hours because I wouldn’t go back to my parents’ house to get his blue car sticker. You know, the free one from the doctor’s office.

12 06 2010

Brought me to tears. As you write, I pray. I spy a falling star and make a wish that the daily joys your boys bring to you will lift the fog and be felt more warmly than any guilt, sadness or fear. I can feel through your writing that you do not take any of these joys for granted and fight as fiercely as any mother does to do the best for your precious brood. You are a fantastic mother and I say that for what you have been able to accomplish. You have been through great tragedy and kept going, even if you doubt it being the best of means, you are still here to tell your story. You have recognized a very consuming issue in your life and you are seeking to learn from it and keep moving forward for the sake of your family but mostly for your own sake which is absolutely inspiring. As I continue to look for your posts each morning, I look forward to celebrating with you each success, large or small, it is all positive and leading you towards that peace which will let you breathe again, full and deep and without hesitation. You are very much loved, appreciated and admired, my friend. Anyone can do what’s easy in life, it takes true strength of character to learn to cope with the struggles. I await your next post, patiently, as I know it will take time to tell. Thank you for allowing the rest of us to walk this journey with you.

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