I Got Nothin’

16 05 2010

While I was in treatment, I frequently gave rides to a woman who lived near me. Big G loved (and still does love) her. We’ll call her Ethel.

Every morning, Ethel would get in the car, And Big G would have a new and exciting treasure.

“Ethel, I have a ball!”
“Ethel, I have a fish!”
“Ethel, I have a car!”

It was awesome. I can’t even imagine how it would feel to have that much excitement about everything.

One day, Ethel got in the car and from the back seat came this statement: “Ethel, I got nothin’.”

That’s how I feel tonight. On a blogging level, I got nothin’.

On a personal level, I got nothin’.

Need a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, some sound advice? I got nothin’. Need someone to feed you M&Ms while you try to poop on the potty? I got nothin’. (That’s actually going to be true even when I’m having a fantastic day. I might lob a bag of M&Ms over the stall door if you asked really nicely, but you’ll have to feed them to yourself.)

I know we all have days like this, but somehow that doesn’t make it any easier. When I’m in this place–nothing to offer anybody–I want to conserve the little spark I have left. I don’t want to share it. Sharing it might completely extinguish it.

In simple terms, I’m feeling burned out. Not on blogging (Don’t worry, my pretties, I’m not going anywhere!) but more on life in general. The daily grind starts to get to me.

Wake up get dressed make sure you pick up Big G on your left side before you pick up Little G put them on the couch turn on cartoons while you get breakfast ready but don’t forget to let Big G pour the Instant Breakfast into his milk because that kind of oversight will lead to a 30-minute tantrum and make sure you clean off his seat so he doesn’t have a meltdown and now Little G is angry because you aren’t attending to his needs and oh crap you forgot to change his diaper right when he woke up and now there’s a wet spot on the couch so you’ll have to wash the cushion slipcover again even though you just pulled it out of the wash yesterday.

That’s just the first 10 minutes of the day.

Now, is that worse than anyone else has it? Absolutely not. But it does start to wear on me.

I feel guilty when I admit things like this. I worked so hard to get my boys here, and it seems ungrateful if I’m not blissfully happy every moment I spend with them. I know–completely unrealistic. The teeny-tiny logical part of my brain recognizes that. The part of my brain that makes me cry when “Dust in The Wind” plays on the radio wants nothing to do with rational thought.

Yesterday I sprayed the dandelions in our lawn. I didn’t realize  how bad our dandelion infestation was until I went around spraying every stinking clump. In the middle of this, Big G came up and asked, “Mom, will you draw on the sidewalk with chalk with me?” My reply? “Just let me finish this. I want to make sure it’s all done.”

Want to know what cropped up the second I said that? “Cat’s in the Cradle” by Harry Chapin. Seriously. I need to stop listening to classic rock.

That’s where I am today. I’m sure I could ramble on about it for pages, but I took a muscle relaxant and I’m literally falling asleep at the keyboard. If I keep going, soon my post will be composed entirely of 19cv[/zvnui4513c&*#@

You get the idea.

*I’ve only fainted once in my life. I was around 13 or so, taking a typing class. When I came to, my document looked a whole lot like the above string of letters. Also, I was embarrassed. Who faints in the middle of typing?

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6 responses

18 05 2010
Peter

Ted: Dust. Wind.
Bill: Dude.

So, tell me, why isn’t Mike & the Mechanics in your depressing classics mix? Me, personally, I prefer the not-quite-as-classic-or-depressing-big-hair rock, with today’s favorite being “Winds of Change” by the Scorpions. They’ve got some mad whistling skillz. (Yes, my cultural progression stalled out 5-10 years ago.)

18 05 2010
Jenny

Gee, thanks. Now I have “The Living Years” stuck in my head and I’m even more depressed. Jerk.

17 05 2010
rachel

how could you possibly feel empty after spending the afternoon with me? i believe doctors often prescribe me for depression. but yeah, i totally know what you mean. you’re still awesome!

17 05 2010
Jackie

Maybe you should lock yourself in the bathroom and eat those m&ms. Bring a book. Hide out. That’s what I do!

Hope you get doing better!

17 05 2010
Janice

A pedicure is what you need…at a nice place that takes awhile. 🙂

17 05 2010
Amber

#1- typing could be considered a strenuous activity. No shame in fainting there. Okay- maybe a little. 😉
#2- I hate funks where I feel like I’m empty. Sounds like you need a break.

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