Bulb of The Devil

15 05 2010

I spent about 6 hours in the garden today. (That sound you just heard? My mother fainting.) Our yard is an interesting thing. Long before we moved in, an older lady turned it into the showpiece of the neighborhood. Sadly, after she moved (or possibly died), the house was inhabited by a series of renters who didn’t care about the lovely landscaping.

Admittedly, for the last 8 years I haven’t really cared about the landscaping either. Apart from the shame of being the neighborhood eyesore (Property values? What are those?), I didn’t worry about the yard. But for some reason, this year I’m determined to actually do something. Like kill weeds and stuff. You know, garden-y stuff. This involves a lot of calls to my mother and my friend Rachel, the gardening gurus in my life, because I haven’t the foggiest what I’m doing.

Here’s what I do know: strange plants keep appearing. Hollyhocks in one place, a stray dandelion, Rose of Sharon, sweet peas…it’s a smorgasboard of randomly placed plants. Which brings me to my primary gripe.

Cute flower, right? The kind you might plant on purpose. In fact, look at it in an arrangement:

Isn’t that just lovely? Who wouldn’t love an easy-to-care for perennial like this in their garden? Communists, that’s who. Obviously only communists would hate such a pretty little thing. (I like to blame the communists for everything. Wait, what? Ronald Reagan isn’t the president? Crap.)

You know who else doesn’t love it? Me. I hate it with the heat of a thousand fiery suns. I don’t know where it was originally planted, but it’s everywhere. It’s taking over my lawn. On both sides. And it will not die. Seriously, people. I sprayed it with Round-Up, and it’s still alive. What the hell? I thought Round-Up killed everything!

Which is why I believe Paperwhites have made a deal with the Prince of Darkness to preserve their race.

On the plus side, I’ve convinced Big G that the Paperwhites must be destroyed. To that end, when I dig up bulbs, he immediately smashes them with his trowel. I love that kid.

While we’re on the topic of gardening and Big G, I feel the need to share today’s conversation.

Big G: (showing me a pile of worms in his trowel) I love worms. They’re my friends.
Me: Oh, really?
Big G: Yeah. And they love each other. Look, they’re playing together! (The worms appear to be having some sort of death match in the trowel.)
Me: Erm…yeah, they look like they’re have a lot of fun!

Later in the day:

Big G: You’re a genius, mom!
Me: I am?
Big G: Yes! You’re a genius, and I’m a genius too!
Me: Okay. Why are we geniuses?
Big G: You’re a genius at finding worms! And so am I!

I always wanted to excel at something. Somehow I never thought that something would be grubbing for worms.

*Completed unrelated but I still have to get it off my chest: I was playing Family Feud on Facebook today, and one of the questions was “What’s the IQ score for a genius?” The top answer was 200 (apparently whoever answered these questions has a very high bar for geniuses). Other answers: 150, 160, 100, 110. Wait, what? 100 and 110? Seriously?

**Even more unrelated and totally self-congratulatory: I just read that I fricking qualify for Mensa. I’m so awesome I hardly know what to do with myself.

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8 responses

18 05 2010
Peter

I hope you do join Mensa, because then I’ll buy you a pipe and parlor coat for your birthday. And maybe several seasons of Frasier.

17 05 2010
rachel

i made it into your blog, yes!!! i’m flattered you think of me as a gardening guru.
mini daffodil posers that smell like pee is a perfect way to describe paper whites. the devil would probably smell like pee.

17 05 2010
Janice

Oh man…I love the random conversations with the kids. The ones that just leave you going, “Huh?” Also addicted to Family Feud on FB, but I get really pissed that I can only have 2 free episodes a day.

17 05 2010
Amber

If you join mensa I will mock you.

17 05 2010
Jenny

If I joined Mensa, I would totally deserve that mockery.

16 05 2010
Karla

We had those take over our yard too. My mom calls them “Stars of Bethlehem”. We ended up killing our lawn, getting new top soil and putting in new sod. Guess what! They’re Back! Grrrr! So for now, they are my children’s play flowers. They can pick all they want. They wouldn’t be so bad if they could contain themselves! They must be religious…they multiply and replenish the earth!

16 05 2010
Kristina P.

This is why I always plan to live in a condo or townhome. I hate nature.

16 05 2010
Mimi

Of course paperwhites are of the devil…they’re also called Narcissus!! I hate narcissus, they smell like pee and they’re like mini daffodil posers! 🙂 Good luck with your yard!

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