Odds and Ends

14 04 2010

First I’d like to thank everyone for your input on the whole “what should I call my husband” issue. I’ve decided to ignore all of you and just call him “Car.” If you know him, that makes sense. If you don’t, it probably sounds really weird, but I’m okay with that.

Next order of business: I’m disappointed to report that Pixi Boggle will not let me use the word penis. How is the word penis worse than anus? I’m so confused. Also, thanks to my blog, I now know that “anus” ranks in Car’s top 20 least favorite words. Regular readers and close friends will understand that I feel morally obligated to use the word anus as often as possible from now on.

I pulled weeds for 2 hours today. That may not sound like a lot, but I have the health problems of an 80-year-old (Arthritis! Tennis Elbow! Plantar Fasciitis!*) and will probably be crippled tomorrow. (Did you like the exclamation points? I feel like they made my physical complaints sound more interesting.)

I think the last time I pulled weeds was about…oh, 5 years ago. Possibly longer. But I looked at my tulips desperately trying to peek out from the weeds, and guilt got the better of me. The only thing sadder than tulips made invisible by weeds? Discovering said tulips were apparently propped up by the weeds, and are now lying limply on the dirt.

Whilst pulling weeds, I ran across this:

I showed it to Big G, who promptly demanded we find the snake. Here’s the thing–I don’t have a problem with garden snakes. They eat bugs, and I despise bugs with the fiery passion of a thousand suns. So snakes = good. My sole issue with snakes is that they tend to scare the crap out of me. I’ll be staring at some flowers, or pulling some weeds, and BAM! SNAKE! (If this wasn’t a family-friendly blog, I would totally have a Samuel L. Jackson moment right now.)

I startle easily. I’m like a deer that way. Plus I have big, brown eyes. And a tendency to leap in front of moving vehicles, but that’s a whole separate post.

Can you tell I really don’t know where I’m going with this? Cut me some slack. It’s almost 3 am.

I gave Big G a bottle of bubbles to play with while we were outside. Little G, of course, had to pour them out all over the porch. You’d think he killed Big G’s favorite puppy from the horrified screams that issued forth. Then Little G grabbed the bubble wand and put it up by his lips. I thought, “Oh, how cute! He’s going to try to blow bubbles like his brother!” Obviously the physical activity addled me considerably, because I think anyone over the age of 5 can guess what happened next: he put the bubble wand in his mouth. Which leads to:

Today’s proof that I’m a terrible mother.
1. I giggled when Little G coughed and gagged. Hey, bubbles are non-toxic.
2. I also giggled when our dog, Tigger** (leashed to one of the posts in the front yard) did a left-to-right sweep and clotheslined both kids.
3. I took a nap when Car got home from work at 6 pm.
4. I let Big G have Chex Mix for breakfast.

I could keep going, but I have to get out of bed in 4 hours…and I’m not even in bed yet. I’d promise a better post tomorrow, but I don’t want to get your hopes up.

*The WordPress dictionary believes I have Plantar Fascists.
**I don’t even want to discuss what WordPress thinks my dog is named. What’s wrong with these people?

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8 responses

17 04 2010
Amber

This may be one of my favorite posts ever… 🙂

15 04 2010
Boquinha

Ohhhhhh. Odds. And ends. I get it! Great play on words . . .

15 04 2010
Boquinha

I warned you about WordPress. BLOGGER. BLOGGER.

15 04 2010
Amber

We use “anus” and “penis” quite often in my house. My husband is studying to be a doctor, you know. : )

15 04 2010
rachel

i won’t tell you what my least favorite words are, for fear of reprisal. but anus is not one of them. the next time i talk to car, i will be sure to call him muffin, AND say the word anus.

15 04 2010
she-ra

plantar fascists, hahaha, that’s awesome!

15 04 2010
she-ra, princess of power

i’m so proud that you weeded! does it make me a terrible mother that i laughed really hard at your terrible mother list? and why didn’t “sex machine” make the name cut?

15 04 2010
Laura

Jen, that’s because the proper terminology is ‘weenis’. As the mother of two boys (or one Car-we all have our crosses to bear) you should already know this.

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