No, Big G isn’t potty-trained. Yes, he’s 4 years old. Yes, I’m aware that children much younger than him are successfully using the toilet. Here are some things you might not be aware of:
1. I love poop! What other reason could there possibly be to keep my 4-year-old in diapers? Really, there’s nothing more I’d rather do with my day than change diaper after stinky diaper. I might just have another baby so that I have THREE children in diapers. Ah, what fresh heaven!
2. God is punishing me for silently criticizing my brother when his 4-year-old was not yet using the bathroom. God’s kinda whacked that way.
3. The whole silent criticism thing will work about as well for me as it did for my brother.
4. I’ve tried begging, pleading, rewarding, punishing (albeit mild punishment, because the last thing I want to do is cause years of bathroom-related therapy) and pretty much everything else I can think of. Big G just doesn’t care. He apparently has much better things to do with his time.
5. Since he doesn’t start kindergarten for a year and a half, I can say with a fair amount of certainty that he will not be wearing a diaper when he goes to school.
I know you want what’s best for us. I want that, too. However, unless you’re prepared to spend a considerable amount of time potty-training my child yourself…back off. I have enough going on in my life and I refuse to add this to my ever-growing pile-o-guilt.
P.S. Why yes, that was an amazing dinner I cooked for you tonight. Thanks for mentioning that. Oh, wait…you didn’t. Never mind.
P.P.S. My 20-month-old still has a bottle. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.