Keep Breathing

26 02 2014

“I want to change the world.
Instead, I sleep.”
~ Ingrid Michaelson

I am depressed.

I hate those words. I hate that they exist at all. I hate that depression has a foothold in my life that I just cannot seem to shake loose. I hate that I sit on my couch and run through all the things I need to do and then I curl up in a ball and do absolutely nothing.

I’m not lazy. I’m not procrastinating. I’m not lacking motivation.

I am depressed.

I want to get back to blogging, but when I open a window to start a new post, everything goes blank. I don’t know what to say anymore. I don’t know how to say it. The medium that I love so much is suddenly intimidating.

I am…well, you know.

I look for the positive. I got out of bed. I took a shower. I talked to a friend. It could be worse.

It has been worse.

Still, that’s not exactly how I want to live my life. “Sure, I’m depressed, but I’m not to hospitalization level, so hooray!”

I want to be happy.

Why does it have to be so hard?

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2 responses

3 03 2014
Julia

You don’t know me and I don’t even know how many blogs I clicked through by the time I found yours. But I just wanted to comment, as so many others have, about how your writing your experiences with addiction/depression are so much what I have been through. My depression is certainly not better and it is easier to drink. But I’ve lost so much. You are very lucky to have such a great husband and family. I actually spent some time in UNI a few years back so it was interesting to read your experiences there. I know it doesn’t help to repeat the same old “you aren’t alone” because you know it all now, but know that reading your words has really touched me. And you are right, keeping breathing. I’ll work on it too.

26 02 2014
Meredith

yes. i understand completely. and you wrote this and hit post and let it into the world. that’s a success. i love you.

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